Trump's iPhone Tariff: Master Chief Says, "Negative, I Don't Like It!"

Wake Me When They Need Me (To Understand Tariffs)

Alright Spartans. Master Chief here. Word's come down from… well higher up than even Halsey on this one. Apparently this 'President Trump' wants Apple to build iPhones here on Earth. And he wants a tariff on them if they don't. First thought: Is this some new Covenant trick? Because it sounds about as smart as activating a Halo ring to stop a skirmish.

A $3500 iPhone? That's Worse Than Facing the Didact!

This analyst Ives is saying an American made iPhone would cost about $3,500. Cortana run the numbers on that. That's enough to buy a fully upgraded Warthog… twice! Who's gonna pay that much for a phone? Are they gonna make it out of Forerunner alloy? 'I need a weapon… and a loan!' Right? This tariff idea is like trying to fight a Hunter with a plasma pistol – ineffective and probably gonna get you killed.

Onshoring Manufacturing: More Like "On shores of Reach" Doomed!

Ives also says it'll take 5 10 years to move iPhone production to the U.S. Five to ten years! I've seen civilizations rise and fall faster than that. By then we'll probably be using neural implants instead of phones. This whole 'onshoring' thing? It's about as realistic as me taking a vacation to the beach. Never gonna happen.

Herculean Supply Chain Logistics? More Like Herculean Bullshit!

He calls it "Herculean like supply chain logistics." I call it a logistical nightmare. Imagine trying to coordinate a Pelican drop of ammo weapons and marines… but spread out across the entire planet and involving millions of tiny components. It's enough to make even Cortana's circuits overload. The Covenant might actually stand a chance if we tried this.

Tim Cook The New Arbiter?

Apparently Apple's CEO Tim Cook is good at navigating politics. Okay that's great. Maybe he can negotiate with Trump and smooth things over. But if that doesn't work maybe we can send in the Arbiter to mediate. He's used to dealing with stubborn zealots. As for this 'iPhone 17 production' – let's focus on surviving today people.

Outperform Rating: Even the UNSC Knows a Good Investment When They See One

Despite all the chaos Ives still thinks Apple stock is a good investment. He's got a price target of $270. I don't know what that means exactly but if he thinks it's gonna help us fight the Covenant… I mean keep the economy strong… then I'm all for it. Just keep making those Mjolnir upgrades people. 'I need ammo!'