Pakistan's Nuclear Arsenal: Under Control or False Alarm? A Schrute Analysis

False Alarm! Or Is It?

As Assistant Regional Manager (in my mind) and volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I Dwight K. Schrute take national security very seriously. Apparently some hullabaloo erupted after a minor kerfuffle between Pakistan and India. Now everyone's flapping their gums about Pakistan's National Command Authority the Big Kahuna in charge of their… you know… the things that go BOOM! The Defence Minister this Khawaja Asif character is saying no meeting of said authority has been called. Good. Because meetings are a colossal waste of time. Unless of course I'm running them.

Prime Minister's Mishap

Here's where things get stickier than beet molasses. The Pakistani military claims their Prime Minister wanted the Authority to convene. Was this a case of crossed wires? Or is someone trying to pull a fast one? As I always say 'Whenever I'm about to do something I think 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would I do not do that thing.' Clearly someone in Pakistan needs to adopt the Schrute mindset.

Information Minister Silent: Code Red?

The Information Minister remained ominously silent when asked for a comment. Silence is golden yes but also suspicious. Is he hiding something? Could this be a conspiracy of international proportions? Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. Pakistan. The connections are endless if you only open your third eye.

Foreign Minister's Conditional Truce

Pakistan's Foreign Minister stated that if India would just stop then they would also stop. 'If India stops here then we will consider to stop here'. This sounds like my cousin Mose haggling over the price of fertilizer. Is this what international diplomacy has come to? Someone get me Angela's cat Sprinkles so I can have something more intelligent to negotiate with.

Rubio to the Rescue? Or Another Bureaucratic Blunder?

Enter Marco Rubio U.S. Secretary of State attempting to de escalate the situation with phone calls. He wants both sides to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. I admire his optimism but this is a fool's errand. The only thing that truly deters aggression is overwhelming force and a well stocked beet farm.

The Schrute Verdict: Proceed with Caution!

Ultimately whether this is a minor misunderstanding or a prelude to something more sinister remains to be seen. In the meantime I recommend everyone stock up on iodine pills and learn the ancient art of beet farming. You never know when it might come in handy. As Sun Tzu said 'Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.' And always remember security is not a joke! Unless it involves Michael Scott.