False! Amazon CEO Claims No Tariff Impact, Dwight Schrute Knows Better!

Amazon's Head Honcho Speaks Bah Humbug!

Alright people listen up! Andy Jassy the big cheese at Amazon claims they haven't seen any signs of consumers tightening their wallets because of those pesky tariffs. Poppycock! As Assistant Regional Manager... Assistant *to* the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin I have a nose for these things. Farmers like myself we know the seasons and the seasons of the economy! And right now I smell a storm brewin'.

Shareholder Shenanigans: A Waste of Perfectly Good Paper!

This so called "annual shareholder meeting" was held virtually meaning no one could actually *see* the power I exude in person. Investors bless their clueless hearts listened to proposals about emissions and warehouse conditions. All rejected naturally. Amazon like a well oiled beet harvester plows right through those concerns! They recommended voting against the resolutions and everyone listened because the hive mind is real!

Tariff Wars: A Battle for the Ages!

Jassy mentioned “strategic forward inventory buys” to stock up on goods. Strategic! Hah! It’s basic preparation like stocking up on bear mace before a trip to the Poconos. This is survival 101 people. But don't you worry I'm sure that Amazon is very concerned for your safety. Remember safety first then teamwork.

Walmart Whines: EAT THE TARIFFS!

Walmart that paper selling behemoth actually *warned* about price hikes. Pathetic! Trump a man who respects strength told them to "EAT THE TARIFFS." Excellent advice! At Schrute Farms we eat our problems usually in the form of beet stew.

Third Party Trickery: The Invisible Hand Strikes Again!

Apparently some third party sellers on Amazon have already raised prices. Typical. These are the same people who try to sell you counterfeit beet juice! But Jassy claims the “diversity and the size of their marketplace” helps customers. Diversity? It's about making deals! Like me who is an expert at negotiation. As said by Sun Tzu: "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer."

The Schrute Solution: Common Sense and Beets!

The truth is simple: tariffs affect everyone! But fear not loyal readers. Prepare yourselves! Learn to live off the land! Grow your own beets! And when the apocalypse comes remember who warned you: Dwight K. Schrute (Assistant Regional Manager Assistant *to* the Regional Manager). And don't forget whenever you're faced with a difficult situation ask yourself "What would Dwight do?"