Bears, Beets, and Bottom Lines: Schrute's Sensational Stock Synopsis!

Walmart's Wonderful...ish Wednesday

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. And… barely better than expected earnings? Walmart that bastion of bulk buying and questionable fashion choices apparently posted a profit of 61 cents per share which is according to some pencil pushing accountants *better* than expected. Though the stock dipped? Curious. This smells of corporate espionage perhaps orchestrated by a rival paper company. Or maybe Michael Scott. I wouldn't put it past him.

Dick's Dastardly Deal: Foot Locker Gets Footed!

Dick's Sporting Goods a place where one can acquire both a hunting rifle and a yoga mat (a dangerous combination I assure you) decided to gobble up Foot Locker. Think of it as a predator (Dick's) stalking its prey (Foot Locker) in the corporate jungle. $24 a share they offered. A power move reminiscent of when I installed myself as Regional Manager only to be dethroned by Michael and his 'golden ticket' scheme. Fools. Mark my words this merger will need strong leadership the kind only a volunteer sheriff's deputy can provide.

UnitedHealth's Unhealthy Allegations

Medicare fraud?! This is an outrage! The Department of Justice is sniffing around UnitedHealth like a bloodhound on the trail of a criminal beet thief. A 6% drop in shares? Justice is being served one percentage point at a time. I suspect foul play. Perhaps a conspiracy involving Jim Halpert and a strategically placed Jell O mold? We must remain vigilant.

Cisco's Cybernetic Success!

Finally some good news! Cisco purveyors of the internet tubes exceeded expectations. Upbeat guidance? Excellent. This is a company run with efficiency and precision. Just like Schrute Farms. Except you know with less manure and more microchips. Scott Herren the finance chief is retiring. A grave error. He clearly needs a successor who understands the value of hard work loyalty and the proper way to scare away bears.

Boot Barn's Bonkers Bounce: A Mystery for the Ages!

This defies all logic! Boot Barn a retailer specializing in attire for… cowboys? And according to analysts they had a bad fiscal quarter and a soft revenue forecast! But… their stock rallied! This is the kind of backwards thinking that leads to beet farms being run by city slickers. There must be a hidden variable. Perhaps they're secretly selling beet infused cowboy boots? I will investigate.

Apple's Orchard is… Rotten?

Trump told Tim Apple he doesn't want the company to build its products in India. Good. America first. Very good. India is for snake charmers and people who play sitar music. We don't need any of those things.