Bears, Beets, Airplanes: Schrute Solutions to Air Traffic Mayhem!

The Sky Is Falling! (Or At Least Delayed)

As Assistant Regional Manager (and volunteer Sheriff's Deputy) I Dwight K. Schrute am uniquely qualified to address this airborne crisis. Apparently the U.S. Transportation Department is squawking about an air traffic controller shortage. Shortage? In my day you controlled traffic with sheer willpower and a well placed scarecrow! But fine apparently we need to do things their way. They say the FAA is aiming to hire 2,000 new air traffic controller trainees this year. This is unacceptable! We need 10,000! Minimum! And they should all be forced to watch 'Battlestar Galactica' to learn about command and control.

Retirement? More Like Duty! (And Bonuses)

The government in its infinite wisdom (a rare occurrence like finding a golden ticket in a beet) is offering retirement eligible controllers a lump sum payment to stay on the job. 20% of their basic pay! It's a good start but I propose a supplemental beet based incentive program. Imagine controllers fueled by the power of Schrute Farms finest beet juice! They will never tire! They will never falter! They will be… unstoppable! The American people deserve the highest standards of air traffic control. No one wants a plane full of luggage plummeting into their backyard.

Infrastructure? More Like Infract STUCKTURE!

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy (a name that screams 'bureaucrat') wants billions from Congress to fix our 'crumbling' air traffic infrastructure. Billions! What happened to good old fashioned ingenuity? Duct tape? Baling wire? I bet I could fix Newark's delays with a well placed weather balloon and a motivational speech about the importance of punctuality. The House approved $12.5 billion which is simply unacceptable. We need TRILLIONS.

Near Misses and Other Catastrophes (Avoidable Mostly)

Apparently a mid air collision between a helicopter and a plane has these city folk spooked. Also there was a 'near miss' involving a Delta plane and several military jets. Near miss? That's what she said! But seriously this is NOT OKAY! This is why we need competent air traffic controllers preferably ones who have also served as volunteer Sheriff's Deputies and can handle high pressure situations. Has anyone considered that a lack of beets might have contributed to these incidents?

Beet Fueled Incentives: The Schrute Solution

The FAA is giving financial incentives to new trainees. $5,000 for graduating! Pathetic. We need a points system! Each successful landing earns a point. Reach 100 points? A year's supply of Schrute Farms beets. Reach 1000? A ride on my combine harvester! This will incentivize excellence and promote a healthy agricultural lifestyle. I hope the new recruits remember my words from the volunteer sheriff's deputy handbook: "The key to a successful interrogation is knowing how to apply pressure and when to let it go. Just like a good beet harvest."

Trump IBM and Raytheon (Plus Beets Naturally)

President Trump (a man of action like myself only with… different hair) suggested IBM or Raytheon could modernize air traffic control. Modernize? Bah! I propose a return to simpler times. Carrier pigeons! Smoke signals! Beets for fuel! But if we MUST use technology then I demand that all control systems be powered by the Schrute Farms beet generator. It’s renewable sustainable and produces a lovely purple hue. So heed my words people. Without beets all is lost. Identity theft is not a joke Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!