Bears. Beats. Starbucks: Is CEO Niccol the Turnaround GOAT?

Cramer's Confidence: A Schrute Farms Inspection

As Assistant Regional Manager (and volunteer Sheriff's Deputy) I Dwight K. Schrute take matters of business very seriously. Jim Cramer the CNBC financial guru seems awfully optimistic about Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol. He's saying we need to 'bet on the jockey' to 'turn the horse around.' Is this horse Seabiscuit or a pony I could potentially raise on Schrute Farms? The details MATTER.

Earnings Down? Dwight's Productivity Remains Unscathed

Starbucks' earnings were weaker than a beet without sunshine. Same store sales are down. The stock price dipped! My productivity however remains unwavering. I suspect if they implemented my rigorous time management system involving staplers in Jell O as a motivational tool their numbers would skyrocket. And don't even get me started on the benefits of a comprehensive self defense course for baristas. No more coffee spills only decisive action!

Niccol's Chipotle History: From Burritos to Baristas

Cramer highlights Niccol's past success at Chipotle where he rescued the company from food safety scandals. Food safety! An important issue. At Schrute Farms we pride ourselves on the purity of our beets. Untainted! Unlike some coffee beans I suspect. Perhaps Niccol should consider a beet infused latte. 'Beet Bucks' reward system? I'm just spitballing here people. But it is not 'spitballing' it is 'idea brainstorming' a key management practice.

Pilot Programs: Schrute Farms' Superior Testing Methodology

Starbucks is experimenting with pilot programs to improve efficiency. Pilot programs? At Schrute Farms we rigorously test all our initiatives. For example we once tested the effects of different Mozart compositions on beet growth. The results were... inconclusive. However that has not stopped me from playing classical music for my beets and for my co workers. If they do not enjoy it that is their issue.

International Markets: China and the Mighty Beet

Starbucks' international business especially in China shows signs of improvement. China! A land of opportunity. If Starbucks can navigate the complexities of the Chinese market imagine the possibilities for Schrute Farms beet juice! I envision 'Dwight's Dynamos,' a beet based energy drink that will fuel the world! It will also have special benefits as explained in my survival kit. It is not just a survival kit it is the ultimate protection!

Cramer's Final Word: Trust the Jockey or Fear the Beet?

Cramer acknowledges the challenging economic environment but insists that some CEOs can thrive regardless. Well I say a true leader doesn't just *thrive*; they conquer! Dwight Schrute is a leader of men (and beets). If Niccol can harness even a fraction of my leadership skills Starbucks *might* have a chance. But if he does not may God have mercy on his soul.