Stress Test? More Like a Spa Day for Big Banks! Donkey's Take!

Hold On To Your Waffles! What Are These Stress Tests Anyway?

Alright alright settle down! Donkey's here to tell you 'bout these 'stress tests' I been hearin' 'bout. Apparently the big shot banks gotta prove they can handle a little somethin' somethin' before they start handin' out the big bucks. It's like checkin' if Shrek can still scare off villagers – gotta make sure they still got it! These tests are supposed to see if they can survive a pretend crisis ya know? Like if all the fairy tale creatures suddenly decided to unionize and demand dental. Scary stuff!

They All Passed? Must Be Using Fairy Godmother's Magic!

So get this all 22 of these fancy pants banks passed the test! Every last one of 'em! They could lose like half a trillion clams and still keep their heads above water. That's more money than I've seen in all my donkey years! Makes ya wonder if they got some of that Fairy Godmother's magic touch or somethin'. Or maybe just maybe...the test was easier than gettin' Shrek to smile for a photo!

Easier Than Finding a Clean Mud Pit!

Now here's the kicker! Turns out this year's test was… less tough! Like they didn't even check how well these banks could handle some serious stuff like private equity and credit which are apparently growin' faster than my love for waffles. One of those Fed researchers even said it could be a 'systemic risk'. Seems like they kinda skipped over the scary parts of the haunted house if you catch my drift.

Bowman Said What?

This lady named Michelle Bowman the bank’s vice chair for supervision (sounds important) says the “Large banks remain well capitalized and resilient to a range of severe outcomes.” Well duh if you tickle them instead of punch them what did you expect? I would have rather had Fiona tell me this at least she makes a great point!

Did Someone Say Dividends?

Since they passed with flyin' colors these banks are gonna be handin' out dividends and buyin' back shares! That means more money for the big guys. Kinda makes you wonder if these tests are really about protectin' the little guy or just lettin' the giants keep on truckin'. Like givin' Shrek an extra large swamp to play in while the rest of us are stuck with the outhouse.

Donkey's Two Cents: Smells Like Swamp!

Look I'm just a donkey but somethin' 'bout this whole thing smells a little swampy. If you're gonna test someone ya gotta give it your all! Otherwise what's the point? It's like tryin' to make a dragon fall in love by whisperin' sweet nothin's – ain't gonna work! I say bring back the real stress! Let's see these banks sweat like Shrek after a jog through Duloc!