I Find Your Lack of Economic Faith Disturbing! Goldman Sachs Warns of Impending Doom!

A Disturbance in the Force... and the Market

I sense a great disturbance in the Force... and in the stock market! Goldman Sachs like a lone Rebel Alliance fighting against the Empire of Economic Instability is warning of a looming recession. It appears the Emperor—or rather President Trump—and his tariffs are about to unleash the full power of the dark side on our portfolios. "We think there is a high chance that we continue to push toward full recession pricing," they say. As if I needed another reason to hate sand... and economic downturns.

These Aren't the Gains You're Looking For

According to their projections stocks are poised for a fall greater than Anakin Skywalker's from the high ground on Mustafar. And if the tariffs continue their economists will move to a full blown recession scenario. History shows that recessions are correlated with even larger pullbacks. 'Growth benchmarking' exercises suggest the market is not priced for an average recession. The situation is indeed dire. Perhaps I should invest in Death Star bonds instead?

The VIX Awakens (and Other Recession Gauges Don't)

While the VIX—that measure of fear strong with the dark side—is already at levels associated with past recession peaks other indicators are lagging behind. Longer dated equity volatility credit spreads and the yield curve are not yet reflecting the true extent of the potential economic devastation. It seems the Force is not yet strong enough in these areas to foresee the coming darkness. Or perhaps they are simply in denial like those who believed in the power of the Jedi after Order 66.

A Four Day Stock Rout: The Empire Strikes Back

Trump's tariffs have triggered a four day stock rout briefly pushing the S&P 500 into bear market territory. Even as China and the European Union respond to these levies the market struggles to find its balance. It is as if the Emperor is testing the resolve of the galaxy pushing it to the brink to see how far he can go. 'Impressive... most impressive,' he would likely say as our portfolios dwindle into nothingness.

Dimon and Fink: They Know What is Coming

JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon said a recession is the "likely outcome" from the tariff turmoil. BlackRock CEO Larry Fink has CEOs claiming the economy is already in a recession. It seems the dark side is growing stronger every moment. Soon the galaxy will be at its mercy. I can feel your anger. It gives you focus makes you stronger. It will also help you blame the proper targets when the market crashes.

Join the Dark Side... I Mean CNBC Pro LIVE!

Worried about the uncertain markets? Apparently CNBC thinks the solution is to get a ticket to CNBC Pro LIVE at the New York Stock Exchange. Gain an edge with experts network with talent and attend Pro clinics. It's like going to the Jedi Temple except instead of learning how to use the Force you'll learn how to... mitigate losses? Sounds like a trap! Better to use your aggressive feelings and let the hate flow through you!