Is the Economy About to Get Neuralyzed?! Stock Market Rollercoaster Incoming!

Tariffs? More Like Terror iffs!

Yo Jay here. Agent J. Yeah the guy who deals with the weird stuff. Turns out the weird stuff ain't just aliens anymore. We got these things called 'tariffs' causing more chaos than a Grebleips convention on the Lower East Side. Trump dropped these tariffs like a Neuralyzer flash and now the stock market's doing the cha cha slide into oblivion. Said these tariffs went into effect Saturday and more coming on Wednesday. It's like seriously can't we just have ONE quiet week without the world trying to end?

Bear Market? Sounds Like My Ex!

So this S&P 500 is looking like it might join the Nasdaq in a 'bear market'. Now I ain't no financial whiz but even I know that ain't good. This Jim Cramer guy on CNBC is saying he ain't panicking but even he knows there's more pain coming. He detailed ways to rethink because of these tariffs but honestly I'm thinking a Neuralyzer might be a better solution. Wipe everyone's memory start fresh. Who's with me?

Truth Social? More Like Truth...Maybe?

Trump's on this thing called 'Truth Social' bragging about lower oil prices and interest rates. Okay cool. But Peter Navarro is out there defending these tariffs hinting at tax cuts. It's like which is it guys? Are we saving the world or destroying it? I need a translator and not the universal kind I use for aliens. I need one for…well you know.

Sell? Hold? Neuralyze?!

So the question is should you sell your stocks? Cramer says it depends. He's talking worst case scenarios like the S&P 500 dropping 36% if Europe retaliates. Seriously? It's always something. Maybe I should just invest in Neuralyzers. Seems like a growth industry these days.

Earnings Season: Time to Panic...Maybe?

Earnings season is kicking off and these financials are gonna be crucial. The tariffs were announced after the quarter closed so everyone's gonna be listening to these conference calls like they're decoding alien messages. JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon is saying tariffs will boost inflation and weaken the economy. Great. Just great. Maybe I'll just stick to fighting aliens. At least they're predictable...sometimes.

Tesla's in Trouble! Can I get a new car now?

Wedbush (who?) cut its Tesla price target. Says sales in China are gonna tank. Apparently it's a 'brand crisis tornado.' A tornado? Really? Sounds like something Boris the Animal would cook up. Citi also messed with stocks. UBS took down the airlines cutting price targets on the risk of recession. This sounds like something Zed should be dealing with. I'm just gonna go find a nice cup of coffee. Maybe some sugar water if I'm feeling adventurous. Wake me up when the world stops ending okay?