Is Your Portfolio Bugging Out?! Agent J's Guide to Surviving the Market Mayhem!

Trade Talks Got You Trippin'?

Alright people Agent J here reporting live from the front lines of the financial universe. And let me tell you this market's wilder than a pug in a room full of tennis balls. This Tom Hulick fella over at Strategy Asset Managers is saying we gotta chill out stick with the good stuff and wait for these trade talks to clear up. Says we need 'clarity,' which in my line of work usually means 'less aliens trying to take over.' Same diff right?

Goldman Sachs vs. JPMorgan: Who You Gonna Call?

So Goldman Sachs had a good week earnings lookin' brighter than my Neuralyzer after a busy night. But Hulick's got his eye on JPMorgan. Apparently all this global M&A stuff slowing down is a 'headwind.' Sounds like a weather report from another planet. Me I'm just hoping neither one starts glowing green and demanding sugar water.

Chevron: More Stable Than a Neuralyzed Witness

Now Chevron that's a different story. Hulick loves 'em. Says they got that sweet sweet dividend yield of 5%. That's like findin' a twenty in your old MIB uniform. Plus they're positioned to benefit from U.S. policy for offshore development. Translation? Money money money! And in this crazy market stability is key. You know like keepin' your memory intact after seein' a real life alien.

PulteGroup: Hold Your Horses Cowboy

PulteGroup? Hulick's not bitin'. Says they're too dependent on interest rates droppin'. Which I gotta admit sounds like a gamble riskier than lettin' Frank the Pug drive the MIB car. Smart move Hulick. Sometimes you gotta wait for the right opportunity. 'A person is smart. People are dumb panicky dangerous animals and should let Agent J handle their assets'.

Dividends: Your Anti Volatility Ray

Look bottom line: dividend paying stocks are your best bet when things get bumpy. They're like the neuralyzer for your portfolio – they smooth things out keep you from panicking and make sure you don't remember any of the really bad stuff. 'If you don't know I'm going to tell you: people are dumb'. Hulick knows what he's talkin' about.

CNBC Pro LIVE: Get Your Alien Intel!

And if you really wanna get ahead of the game check out this CNBC Pro LIVE event at the New York Stock Exchange. Apparently there'll be 'experts' and 'networking.' Sounds like an alien convention to me. But hey knowledge is power. Just don't let any of those 'experts' try to sell you a bridge on another planet. Agent J out!