Donkey Says Buy Stocks! Is This Ogre Serious?!

What in the Swamp is Market Uncertainty?!

Alright alright settle down you donkey brained investors! Shrek here your friendly neighborhood ogre to break down this Wall Street hullabaloo. Seems this fella named Julian Emanuel from Evercore ISI – sounds like a fancy cheese doesn't it? – is saying we're knee deep in market uncertainty thanks to these tariff thingamajigs. He reckons this whole mess should 'peak' 'round Wednesday. Peak? Sounds like my morning breath after a night of onion sandwiches!

Resist the Angst! Or Just Eat Some Mud Pies

This Emanuel fella he's on CNBC's 'Fast Money'. Sounds like a way to lose your gold faster than Donkey can gobble a waffle! But he's telling folks to chill out and BUY STOCKS! Says all we need is 'a little less uncertainty.' Well I say all I need is a little less Donkey singing in my swamp! But hey who am I to judge? Maybe he's onto something. Maybe.

Like Silicon Valley Bank Blowing Up... But With More Smog

Apparently this market anxiety is worse than that time Silicon Valley Bank went kaput. Remember that? Scarier than Gingy facing Lord Farquaad's cookie jar! Emanuel says everyone's all doom and gloom but he's still seein' sunshine and rainbows... or maybe just piles of gold. Either way he's bullish which is good I guess. Unless you're a matador.

Back to the Good Ol' Days! Or When Fiona Was Still an Ogre

Emanuel thinks those 'prior bull market winners' – that's tech communication and fancy consumer stuff – are gonna make a comeback. They were the worst performers last quarter but he says that just means they're ripe for the pickin'! Like a field of onions after a good rain. He also thinks companies will buy back their own stock to boost prices. Sounds like a complicated way to spend gold but hey what do I know? I live in a swamp.

Hidin' in the Healthcare and Canned Goods Aisles?

Now he's tellin' us to steer clear of the recent winners – healthcare and consumer staples. Apparently everyone was hidin' in those sectors for defense. Like Donkey hidin' behind me when we first met. But Emanuel thinks those are the places where the easy gold is already gone. 'Defense has been hiding' he says. Sounds like my kind of game.

6800?! That's a Lotta Zeroes!

This Emanuel fella is betting big! He thinks the S&P 500 will hit 6,800 by the end of the year. That's a 21% jump from Monday. He says we don't need 'material clarity,' just 'the very very extreme scenarios becoming less possible.' Well I say less possible is good enough for me. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go count my gold. Maybe I'll buy some of those stocks... or maybe I'll just buy more onions. You never know!