JPMorgan's New Playground for the Rich: Time to Raid Some Assets?

Raiding the Rich One Branch at a Time

Right let's get one thing straight: JPMorgan Chase thinks it's cracked the code to managing money for America's millionaires? It's not some shiny new gadget or a complex algorithm but...wait for it...a *bank branch*? Honestly you'd think they'd never seen a good old fashioned treasure room before. They're refurbishing these 'brick and mortar' relics and slapping a 'concierge' sticker on them. Honestly next they will reinvent the wheel. But for a *fee*. Let's see how this plays out. 'Fortune favors the bold' after all or in this case those with seven figure bank accounts.

First Republic More Like First Class

Apparently they acquired these branches after JPMorgan swallowed First Republic whole. Prime real estate in New York California Florida – the usual haunts of the excessively wealthy. It's all part of their grand scheme to woo affluent Americans already using their credit cards. Seems they want to manage their millions too. Good luck with that! Half of these people bank with JPMorgan but only a tenth invest with them. Time to change that according to Jennifer Roberts CEO of Chase Consumer Banking. She wants to convince these folks that JPMorgan is the place to stash their gold. 'We have this giant opportunity,' she says. I call it a giant target.

J.P. Morgan Private Client: Because 'Chase' Is Too Mainstream

So they're launching a 'new tier of service' called J.P. Morgan Private Client. Sounds exclusive doesn't it? Anchored by these physical locations – 31 by next year. It even comes with its own mobile banking app. Fancy. But the main draw? In person experience. One banker instead of being passed around like a hot potato. 'Concierge level service,' they call it. Like a high end hotel. I expect to be greeted with a chilled glass of something sparkling perhaps. The entry fee? A mere $750,000 in deposits and investments but they're aiming for the $2 3 million crowd. Chump change really. I have seen way more in lost cities in Cambodia.

Quiet Opulence: Where the Wi Fi Is Strong and the Chocolate Is Divine

These 'J.P. Morgan Financial Centers' have a 'warm feel' and an 'earth tone color palette'. Family office meets hotel vibe apparently. Soaring ceilings living room style seating art filled meeting rooms. Gone are the tellers replaced by a concierge desk and a solitary ATM. And instead of lollipops you get Dylan's chocolate. Honestly the way to a millionaire's heart is through their stomach it seems. The space is quiet save for the Perrier and espresso machine. 'Really meant to illustrate that we're there to have a more serious less transactional conversation about your wealth planning,' says Stevie Baron. Because nothing says 'serious' like overpriced bottled water.

From Lexus to Chase: A Risky Gamble?

They're trying to create a luxury brand from a mainstream one – like Toyota and Lexus. Risky isn't it? So far the two flagship centers in New York and San Francisco haven't seen heavy foot traffic. Shocking. 'Our biggest challenge is that we don't have people walking in because they don't really understand what they are,' Roberts admits. Maybe they should put up a sign: 'Millionaires Only. Enter at Your Own Risk (of Being Offered Exquisite Chocolate)'. They're leaning on 'J.P. Morgan' instead of 'Chase' to signal exclusivity. Might deter some folks but hey who needs commoners cluttering the place up?

Come One Come All (But Please Be Rich)

Apparently they're never going to turn anyone away. 'Any customer can come and leverage any of our branches at any time,' Roberts says. 'We want people walking in having the experience meeting with our experts'. So anyone can wander in and admire the art while secretly plotting a heist? Excellent. Sounds like my kind of place. All I need to do is find a priceless artifact or two sell it on the black market and deposit the proceeds. Time for some 'extreme adventures'.