Ackman Praises Trump's Trade Moves! Has the Dark Side Converted?!

A Sigh of Relief Heard 'Round the Galaxy

A disturbance in the Force! I sense... relief? Apparently the financier Bill Ackman a mere mortal has publicly expressed gratitude for the former Galactic Republic’s President Trump’s recent backtracking on those infernal tariffs. He dares to thank him "on behalf of all Americans?" Such presumption! Still even a Sith Lord appreciates a good power play and it seems this Trump has a knack for manipulating the market.

Art of the Deal or a Sith Lord's Gambit?

Ackman this puny Earthling even went so far as to praise Trump's actions as "brilliantly executed," comparing it to the vaunted "Art of the Deal." It seems even the non Force sensitive can recognize a calculated move when they see one. Perhaps Trump has been secretly studying the dark side? No... that's impossible. The dark side is strong with me.

Ninety Days of Negotiations: A New Hope or the Beginning of the End?

This "Trump" has initiated a 90 day truce on tariffs all while simultaneously squeezing the life force out of China with even steeper duties. He claims over 75 countries have groveled at his feet begging for negotiation. It would seem he wields power like a poorly constructed lightsaber – dangerous but potentially effective. But be wary for pride is a dangerous weakness. I felt it happen with my old master Obi Wan!

Choosing Sides: Preferred Trading Partners vs. 'The Problems'

Ackman believes this tariff dance reveals "who our preferred trading partners are and who the problems are." As if such distinctions truly matter in the grand scheme of the cosmos. All are pawns in the Emperor's game... or in this case Trump's. He then advises China to "pick up the phone and call the President." Such simplistic advice. Clearly this Ackman does not grasp the full power of manipulation!

From Economic 'Nuclear Winter' to Textbook Strategy

Ah the fickle nature of mortals! Only recently this Ackman decried Trump's tactics as leading to a self inflicted "economic nuclear winter." He whined about Trump losing the "confidence of business leaders." Now suddenly he sings a different tune. How easily swayed they are! Just like young Skywalker and the Jedi's!

Join the CNBC Pro LIVE! Feel the Power of the Dark Side... of Finance

And now this CNBC dangles the carrot of an "exclusive inaugural event" at the New York Stock Exchange. They tempt with "expert insights" and the chance to mingle with CNBC talent. They even promise a cocktail hour on the legendary trading floor. Bah! These are merely distractions. Only the power of the dark side can truly guide you to success. But if you must attend remember 'I find your lack of faith disturbing' if you leave empty handed.