Oops!...Tesla Did It Again! (And Other Stock Market Shenanigans)

Tesla's 'Slave 4 U' Delivery Numbers

Okay so like Tesla's been workin' hard. Workin' hard! They delivered 384,000 cars which is like a 14% drop but everyone was kinda scared it would be way worse. It’s still a bit 'Lucky' that it wasn't a total disaster. I mean come on even *I* have off days right? It's like when I try to bake a cake – sometimes it's 'Piece of Me' other times it's just a total mess. But hey they're still 'Stronger' than yesterday!

Banks Say 'Gimme More' Dividends!

So these big banks like JPMorgan Chase and Bank of America and all those guys they passed their stress tests. Which basically means they're not gonna like totally collapse...hopefully! And because of that they're gonna give out more dividends! It’s their 'Circus' their profits and we are just living in it. Oh and JPMorgan is buying back stock too! Good for them I guess. As long as they don't try to buy *my* stock...or my cats!

Quantum Computing: It's Not That Innocent!

Okay this quantum computing thingy is kinda like when I try to understand crypto. It’s complicated! But this company Rigetti Computing is getting some love. Some analyst thinks it's gonna go up like 30%! They say quantum computing is still new but could be HUGE! It's all very 'Oops!... I Did It Again' because like I get it now but maybe it'll be different tomorrow. But hey if it makes money I'm in!

Verint: Buyout Fever?!

Verint the customer service software people are allegedly in talks with some buyout firm called Thoma Bravo darling! Stocks are popping. Is it gonna happen? Who knows! The rumor mill is going wild and it's more dramatic than my last music video trust me. 'Gimme Gimme More!' Said that company probably.

Centene's 'Crazy' Health Insurance Woes

Oh honey Centene is not having a good day! Their stock tanked like 30%! Apparently they're not getting as many people signing up for health insurance as they thought they would. And medical costs are up. It's all very dramatic and a bit 'Toxic'. I’m glad I have good insurance! Fingers crossed for them. Maybe they should try selling more… merchandise?

Cava: The Next Chipotle?!

Okay Cava is this Mediterranean food chain and someone thinks they're gonna be the next Chipotle! Like 'Womanizer' but in a delicious healthy way. And they don't have much competition apparently! If they start selling sparkly shawarma wraps I'm totally investing! Seriously. Get on it. 'Hit Me Baby One More Time!' With that tzatziki!