Good News Everyone! Trump vs EU Trade War May Cause Unexpected Scientific Breakthroughs!

A Grim Prognosis or Is It?

Good news everyone! Or perhaps not so good depending on your perspective. It seems those blithering idiots in Washington D.C. and Brussels are at it again squabbling over tariffs like children fighting over a ball of yarn. President Trump bless his antiquated heart is accusing the EU of 'terrible advantage,' whatever that means. I haven't seen this much economic tomfoolery since Nixon's head in a jar tried to corner the market on Tang! My calculations show this could either lead to economic ruin or more excitingly a massive surge in demand for my Smell O Scope to detect which negotiator ate the stinkiest haggis.

The tit for tat of Trade Trauma

The EU in response to Trump's… let's call them 'eccentric' policies has retaliated with tariffs on over 20 billion euros worth of U.S. goods. It's like a game of economic badminton except instead of birdies they're volleying jobs and consumer confidence. Now they've put it on hold likely realizing that economic warfare is about as productive as Bender trying to understand quantum physics. And just as I predicted the tariffs are back on the table. This is getting as bad as the time I invented those killer robots. At least I can say I learned my lesson that day.

Negotiations? Bah Humbug!

According to Olof Gill a trade spokesperson for the European Commission "We prefer negotiations to tariffs." Well duh! But when has anyone ever listened to reason? It's like trying to convince Zoidberg that eating garbage isn't a gourmet experience. These officials had a meeting that seemingly resulted in very little progress so now negotiations are on the horizon. However that means they're not in view! As I always say 'Negotiations are a fools errand unless those fools are willing to spend time on the matter.'

Pharmaceuticals and Semiconductors Oh My!

Trump has now set his sights on pharmaceuticals and semiconductors threatening new levies. This is like a game of intercontinental whack a mole but instead of moles it's the global economy getting whacked. The EU claims to have made a 'strong case' against these tariffs but I suspect Trump is about as receptive to their arguments as I am to Zoidberg's romantic advances. To shreds you say?

Italy to the Rescue? Unlikely!

Enter Italy's Prime Minister Georgia Meloni who's about to meet with Trump. She's apparently the first European head of state to meet with him since the tariff truce. Some 'expert' believes she might 'revitalize transatlantic dialogue.' Oh please! That's about as likely as me winning a Nobel Prize for good hygiene. Although now that I think about it I have been using that new anti static dryer sheet…

Potential Scientific Windfall!

But here's the kicker my friends! All this economic upheaval could lead to unexpected scientific breakthroughs! Desperate times call for desperate inventions and if the price of medication skyrockets due to tariffs who knows? Maybe I'll finally perfect that pill that makes you forget you're poor! Or perhaps I'll invent a robot that can negotiate trade deals with the sanity and logic of a bowl of petunias. Either way the future as always is uncertain… but potentially profitable for me! And remember 'When will they ever learn? The answer: Never.'