CHAOS REIGNS: Markets Shrug as Politicians Play War Games (and Launch Golden Phones?!)

BOOM! Or... Not?

So apparently Iran wants a time out with Israel. Someone get the spray paint 'cause this calls for a mural! But hold on a spark Netanyahu's all like 'Nah we're just getting started!' Sounds like someone needs a good ol' rocket ride... or maybe just a hug? Either way the booms might be delayed. Sadface.

AI? More Like 'Artificial Idiocy,' am I right?

The U.S. Defense Department's throwing money at AI. OpenAI? Sounds like a fancy name for a bunch of nerds trying to make robots that can *actually* aim. Probably still can't beat me though. My aim is 10/10. I never miss...on purpose.

Gold Plated Distraction!

And now for something completely insane! Trump's selling a golden phone. A GOLDEN PHONE! I could bedazzle Fishbones with that kinda cash! Seriously who needs communication when you can have bling? It's like they're TRYING to make me riot. 'Rules are made to be broken!' remember that folks.

Markets on Drugs?

Stocks are up because... reasons? Someone tell me how war almost happening makes people want to buy things. Maybe everyone's just really hoping for a post apocalyptic shopping spree. S&P's up Dow's up Nasdaq's bouncing off the walls... just like me after a sugar rush!

Oil Slick Blues!

Oil prices are dipping. Is that a good thing? A bad thing? Does it mean bigger explosions will be cheaper? I NEED ANSWERS! Gold's down too. Maybe everyone's realizing shiny things don't stop bullets. Shocker.

G7: Grumpy Old Men Talking?

The G7's having a pow wow. Probably arguing about who gets the last donut. And Ukraine! As long as they don't mess with my demolition time they can chatter all they want. Now who's up for a bank heist?