Starling Bank's Profit Plummets: Is the Joke on Us?

Why So Serious? Starling's Financial Fumble

Well well well... what do we have here? Starling Bank flapping its wings and then face planting right into a pile of... well you know. Turns out even the shiniest fintech bird can’t outfly a little chaos. Seems their profits took a nosedive faster than a clown car off a cliff. And they call *me* a criminal? These guys are practically giving me notes! As I always say 'Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos.'

The Covid Loan Caper: A Comedy of Errors

Oh the Covid loans! It's all so delightfully predictable isn’t it? Everyone scrambling for cash and then surprise surprise someone gets their fingers sticky. Starling Bank in their infinite wisdom (or lack thereof) handed out loans like candy at a parade. And wouldn't you know it some of those 'loans' were about as real as Batman's social life. They messed up their fraud checks. Honestly it's like they *wanted* to see the world burn! Now that's what I call 'a little push.'

Fines Fines Everywhere a Fine! (Old MacDonald Had a Fine)

A £29 million fine you say? HAHAHAHAHA! They got fined like they were operating my kind of business not theirs. Over failings related to financial crime? It's beautiful! It shows you the rules are all just one big joke ready to be exploited. They're supposed to be the good guys and yet... who's laughing now?

Cleaning Up the Mess: Transparency or Cover Up?

Declan Ferguson their CFO is saying they dealt with it 'transparently.' Oh please! As if anyone in finance is ever truly transparent. They volunteered to remove the government guarantee? More like they got caught with their hand in the cookie jar and tried to play it cool. It's all a part of the game folks. Some people get rich making others poor and here they just got fined for making themselves poor.

Goldman Sachs and the Gang: Who's Really Pulling the Strings?

Goldman Sachs Fidelity Investments the Qatar Investment Authority... all these big names involved. Makes you wonder what kind of twisted puppet show they're running behind the scenes. These guys are *serious*. All that money... it's just a game to them! And who doesn't love a good game?

Competition's a Killer: Monzo and Revolut Sharpen Their Claws

Monzo and Revolut are circling like vultures. The fintech world is a dog eat dog world just like the rest. Starling Bank might be losing altitude but don't worry there's always someone ready to take their place. After all you know how I got these scars? You'll never know. And neither will they!