Good News Everyone! Lockheed Martin Profits Soar Amidst Global Mayhem!

A Profit is Born!

Good news everyone! Your favorite old professor here Hubert Farnsworth with a startling revelation! It seems Lockheed Martin purveyor of fine death dealing devices (and occasional space thingamajigs) has reported a rather robust first quarter. Their profits are up! Up I say! To the tune of $7.28 per share surpassing those Wall Street bean counters' expectations. It's enough to make a scientist shed a tear...of pure unadulterated scientific curiosity of course. Not joy. Never joy. Though perhaps a small shot of Slurm wouldn't hurt...

Blame it on the Trade War!

Now you might be asking 'Professor how can this be? Surely with all this Trump induced trade war nonsense the economy is doomed!' Well my hypothetical inquisitive friend that's where things get interesting. See even though allies like Canada are reviewing their massive F 35 jet orders (apparently relying on the US is now considered a bad thing – who knew?) Lockheed's still raking in the dough. It's like that time I invented the Smell O Scope; initially everyone was disgusted but then they realized it could be used to locate hidden pizza ovens!

The Sweet Symphony of Destruction

And why pray tell is Lockheed thriving despite political turmoil? Simple! War! That's right folks. The ongoing kerfuffles in Ukraine and the Middle East have created a surge in demand for…well you know…the things that go boom. It seems humanity’s insatiable appetite for blowing things up is good for business. Ironic isn't it? Like when Zoidberg finally got a date only to discover she was a space monster in disguise. Woop woop woop!

Easing Export Rules? Oh My!

But wait there's more! President Trump in his infinite (and often baffling) wisdom is considering easing military equipment export rules. This could be a boon for legacy companies like Lockheed making it even easier to spread…ahem…'peace' around the globe. It reminds me of that time I tried to invent a universal translator only to accidentally create a device that turned everyone into babies. Oh the horror! The horror!

F 35: Still Delayed Still Expensive!

Of course it's not all smooth sailing for Lockheed. Their F 35 program that marvel of modern engineering (and cost overruns) is still facing delays in its technology upgrades. Apparently giving a fighter jet better displays and processing power is harder than inventing a doomsday device. Go figure! I could probably build a better fighter jet with a few paper clips and some duct tape. Although admittedly it might only last for five seconds before exploding.

A Glimmer of Hope (Maybe?)

Despite the delays and the ethical quandaries some experts believe that a higher U.S. defense budget will continue to bolster Lockheed's revenues. More money more weapons more…'security'. It's enough to make you want to scream 'Shut up and take my money!' Well not me of course. I'd rather invest in new and exciting scientific breakthroughs…like self folding laundry! Now that's a weapon against drudgery!