Good News Everyone! Apple Sort Of Did Okay (But Don't Get Your Hopes Up)

A Satisfactory Quarter (By Whose Standards?)

Good news everyone! Your favorite purveyor of shiny rectangles Apple has released its latest quarterly numbers. And I must say for a company that practically prints money it was… adequate. Revenue rose a measly 5% reaching $95.4 billion which is apparently enough to impress some folks on Wall Street. Earnings per share were up 8% which let's be honest is just enough to keep the robots from revolting... for now.

The Dreaded Services Miss!

But alas all is not well in Cupertino! Apple's services revenue which includes things like iCloud Apple Music and the like missed the mark by a hair – a measly $50 million! This sent the stock into a nosedive faster than Leela piloting a Planet Express ship after one too many Slurms MacKenzie parties. Honestly you'd think they'd announced they were discontinuing the iPhone entirely. What is this I don't even...?

China: A Delicate Balancing Act

Ah China. A market so vital to Apple's success that they practically have to kowtow to every whim. While revenue was a tad light CEO Tim Cook assures us that iPhones are still the top selling devices in urban China. Apparently the threat of increased nationalism hasn't scared everyone away from their precious gadgets. Though I wouldn't be surprised if they started building iPhones with miniature propaganda speakers at this point. To shreds you say?.

Tariffs: A Headache for Everyone (Except Maybe Zoidberg?)

Tariffs tariffs tariffs! The bane of every multinational corporation. Fortunately Apple seems to be navigating the tariff minefield with relative grace. They're even moving some of their production to India and Vietnam to minimize exposure. Though I suspect Dr. Zoidberg might be the only one who actually benefits from all this global economic maneuvering! Why not Zoidberg?

Investing in America (and Arizona)

Tim Cook is also keen to remind us that Apple is investing a whopping $500 billion in the U.S. over the next four years. They're expanding facilities sourcing chips from Arizona (thanks to Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing) and even using American made glass in iPhones. It's all very patriotic and… convenient. Though I wouldn't be surprised if they started paying employees in Apple gift cards next.

The Future: More of the Same But with AI!

Looking ahead Apple expects the June quarter to grow in the low to mid single digits. They're also promising more AI features though the supercharged version of Siri is taking longer than expected. Which is just as well frankly. The last thing we need is a Siri that can predict the end of the world and order pizza at the same time. As for me I'll stick to inventing things that actually make a difference. Like Smell O Scope! Now where did I put that thing...?