McDonald's Meltdown! Did Someone Say Boom?

Kaboom? More Like Kabust!

Okay so word on the street is McDonald's is having a little…hiccup. Apparently their U.S. sales went down for like the SECOND quarter in a row! Biggest drop since the 'Rona hit? Talk about a party pooper. I bet Vi's lovin' this. Maybe she'll finally lay off the donuts... nah who am I kidding? This is bigger than just a few less Happy Meals. It's a full blown…opportunity! For chaos obviously. You think I’d miss out on this? Please! I’m already planning my next masterpiece and it includes golden arches in its blueprints!

Blame it on the Rain (and Picky Eaters)

They're saying it's 'bad weather' and 'cautious consumers.' Cautious? Who wants to be cautious? Where's the fun in that? Next thing you know people will be eating broccoli instead of burgers! Ugh makes me wanna puke. I love burgers because it can be used to set off small explosives. Plus the colors are pretty and remind me of my favourite grenades! Though if you ask me it's just boring. Maybe they need to add some...spark! Like I dunno a 'Surprise Jinx Burger!' Every tenth burger explodes with confetti and a tiny Powder monkey toy! Now THAT'S a meal to die for!

International Incident (Almost as Big as Mine!)

And it's not just here. Seems like even overseas people are ditching the Arches. Down 1% in international markets! That’s like a whole lotta disappointed folks craving something… more! More what you ask? More BANG of course! The only international incident that matters is when I painted the Piltover Bridge pink with Fishbones. Now THAT was a show!

The Money Muncher!

Numbers numbers numbers. Who cares right? Well some boring analyst types do. They’re all like 'Earnings per share: Blah blah blah vs. expected blah blah blah.' All I hear is 'Blah blah boring!'. Money is just paper right? It’s meant to be burned! That is why I only use cash!

Snack Wraps: The Savior? I highly doubt it...

Okay so the bigwigs at McDo are trying to fix things. They're bringing back those 'Snack Wraps' and leaning into 'value meals.' Yeah that'll do it. Slap a cheap sticker on it and suddenly everyone forgets they were bored outta their minds. And that's a real shame. They need a real solution. Like replacing Ronald McDonald with a giant remote controlled Fishbones that breathes fire! Now THAT'S what I call a marketing strategy!

More Locations More Targets!

They're planning on opening 2,200 new locations! You know what that means? 2,200 new opportunities for… fun! It's like they're practically begging me to redecorate their restaurants. Maybe I'll start with a fresh coat of pink paint... or maybe something a little more... explosive! Hehehe... Don't worry I'll make it art!