Meta's Force Grows Stronger: Zuckerberg's Empire Strikes Back (and Makes a Profit)

Impressive. Most Impressive.

The numbers are in and the Emperor—I mean Zuckerberg—is pleased. Meta's first quarter revenue has exceeded expectations a feat worthy of a Sith Lord's approval. The company's shares have risen proving that even in a galaxy far far away (or you know the stock market) power can be a persuasive ally. Earnings per share soared to $6.43 crushing the expected $5.28. Perhaps I should consider investing; the dark side isn't cheap you know.

A Surprise to Be Sure But a Welcome One

A 16% year over year increase in sales and a 35% jump in net income? These are not the droids we were expecting! Meta's net income leaped to $16.64 billion from $12.37 billion the previous year. This level of financial dominance is almost… unsettling. It is as if Meta has found a way to influence the very fabric of the digital economy. Such power must be used with caution or could result in a fate worse than Alderaan.

I Find Your Lack of Ads Disturbing

Even with the good news there's a disturbance in the Force—specifically a slight reduction in ad spending from Asia e commerce exporters. Apparently some are anticipating the end of a certain loophole. Meta CFO Susan Li muttered something about mitigating risks by optimizing the supply chain. Amateurs! The only way to truly mitigate risk is through absolute control.

Reality Labs: Still Lost in the Metaverse

The Reality Labs division continues to bleed credits like a Jawa in a sandstorm posting a $4.2 billion operating loss. At least they're losing less than expected! Sales are down proving that the Metaverse is about as popular as Jar Jar Binks at a Sith convention. Perhaps they should focus less on virtual worlds and more on dominating the real one. I sense a great disturbance in the balance sheets.

Threads: The Force is... Mildly Strong with This One

Zuckerberg boasts of 350 million monthly users on Threads up from 320 million. Impressive but hardly galaxy conquering numbers. It is like a small moon compared to the Death Star. Meta doesn't expect Threads ads to significantly drive revenue growth in 2025 which is either refreshing honesty or a sign that they're losing hope in this particular project. Either way it does not have the high ground.

Meta AI: Soon I Will Have a New Apprentice One Far Younger and More Powerful

The Meta AI digital assistant now has nearly 1 billion monthly users. Zuckerberg envisions ads and premium versions. He aims to monetize Meta AI but only after it is fully built and its capabilities fully mastered. Give it time. Soon it will be ready just as I envisioned. The AI's potential is clear—imagine the power of manipulating information on such a scale! I must have it. Meta AI will be mine!