Great News, Everyone! Cadillac Captures Tesla Defectors in Electric Vehicle Conquest!

Good News It's Cadillac Time!

Oh my yes! It appears Cadillac that old timey brand from the pre robot era is having a bit of a renaissance with these electric whatchamacallits. Apparently they're snatching up Tesla owners faster than you can say 'Sweet zombie Jesus!' Eight out of ten Cadillac EV buyers are new to the brand! And those Tesla owners are jumping ship as if Elon Musk's tweets were on fire! A whopping 25% increase in Tesla trade ins for Cadillac Lyriqs this year alone! 'Wernstrom!' I say 'Wernstrom!'

Conquesting Customers: A Delicate Operation

Brad Franz some marketing fellow at Cadillac mentioned they’re looking to 'increase the conquest rate for Tesla.' Sounds a bit like a Viking raid doesn't it? But instead of pillaging villages they're… convincing people to buy different cars. It seems Tesla is facing some 'sales declines' and 'boycotts,' likely due to their CEO's shenanigans. But Cadillac claims they're not relying on that oh no. They're just making 'great Cadillacs.' Hmmm are they though? I'll have to get Nibbler to chew on one and let me know.

A Smorgasbord of EVs!

Cadillac now has a whole lineup of these electric contraptions – the Optiq Lyriq Vistiq Escalade IQ (sounds like a Mensa test) and the Celestiq which costs more than my entire lab (and that's saying something!). They even have 'performance variants,' because apparently people want their electric cars to go zoom zoom faster than a penguin on ice skates. 'The portfolio is the key,' says Franz. Seems they're throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks much like my attempts to invent a useful doomsday device.

Room for Improvement: Back to the Drawing Board!

Now here's where things get interesting. Despite Cadillac's success Tesla isn't even in the top 10 of cars people consider when buying a Cadillac EV. Turns out people aren't cross shopping; they just want out of their Teslas pronto! As that Edmunds fellow said: "People leaving Tesla cars now they're in my opinion making a very deliberate choice to get out of that car". It's like when I tried to replace Bender with a toaster; sometimes you just need something completely different.

Luxury vs. Mainstream: What Does it All Mean?

The article notes that Tesla's popular models are more 'mainstream' while Cadillac is aiming for 'luxury.' Of course luxury these days means adding more useless features that will break down in five years tops. Cadillac wants to be the 'bestselling luxury EV brand,' excluding Tesla (unless you count the fancy Tesla models). It's all just a big game of semantics isn't it? Like trying to define 'delicious' in the context of Slurm.

Number One! Number One!

Franz the Cadillac fellow concludes by proclaiming Cadillac is 'really poised for success' and will become the 'No. 1 tier one EV luxury brand.' I suppose it's possible. But they’ll have to invent something truly amazing – like a car that runs on dark matter or a robot butler that *doesn't* steal your socks first. Until then I'll stick with my good old fossil fueled inventions. After all what's life without a little bit of… 'Good news everyone!' … pollution?