Good News Everyone! Tariffs Threaten Toilet Paper Supply!

What in the Wide World of Sports is Going On?

Good news everyone! It appears those meddling bureaucrats in Washington are at it again this time fiddling with tariffs like a monkey with a quantum entanglement device! It seems we're all going to be paying more for our daily essentials. And by essentials I mean coffee bananas and most importantly... toilet paper! Oh the humanity!

A Tariff by Any Other Name...

This so called 'America First Trade Policy' aims to bring jobs back but frankly it sounds like something Zoidberg would cook up! The Consumer Brands Association a group representing corporate behemoths like Coca Cola and Procter & Gamble is worried. And when *they're* worried you know we're all doomed! They claim these tariffs on imported goods will raise costs and limit access to affordable products. I concur! Raise costs and limit access to affordable products I say!

No Exemptions? Sweet Zombie Jesus!

Apparently this Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick fellow thinks countries can't win exemptions for specific goods. What a nincompoop! The CBA is desperately seeking exemptions for key ingredients like coffee and spices because you know we can't grow that stuff here! The U.S. bless its heart relies on imports for bananas (Guatemala will be hit with a 10% tariff) and vanilla (Madagascar faces a whopping 47% tariff!). We're doomed! Doomed I say!

Vanilla Prices Are Going Up? To Shreds You Say?

Vanilla already the second most expensive spice is about to get even pricier! Shares of McCormick are down but they're planning some 'targeted price adjustments' and 'cost savings programs.' Sounds like they're going to replace the vanilla with imitation vanilla flavoring and fire a few workers! Good for them good for them. That's what I'm talking about!

Oats? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Oats!

Even oats are in danger! We import most of our oats from Canada because our own oat acreage peaked a century ago. What's next are they going to tax sunshine!?! Good lord! The CBA says our domestic food system can't grow store or transport enough oats to meet demand. Pathetic!

Toilet Paper Apocalypse! (Oh My Yes!)

And the worst news of all: toilet paper diapers lotions and shampoo are also on the chopping block! Manufacturers will pass on increased costs for wood pulp bamboo fibers shea butter and palm oil. We import most of our palm oil from Indonesia which now faces a 32% duty. This is madness! But on the bright side stocks in consumer staples are up as investors ditch riskier bets. So someone's profiting from this impending disaster! Now where's my Slurm?