Good News Everyone! Are Your Favorite Foods About to Become Less... Radioactive?!

A Toxic Soup You Say?

Good news everyone! It appears the FDA in its infinite wisdom (or perhaps a momentary lapse into sanity) is planning to phase out petroleum based synthetic dyes. Commissioner Marty Makary claims we've been living in a 'toxic soup' for the past 50 years. Fifty years! That's practically a geological epoch! I remember back in my day we got our colors from... well I don't remember but they were probably just as questionable. To shreds you say?

The Rainbow Connection (Disconnected)

So the vibrant hues of Flamin' Hot Cheetos Mountain Dew Baja Blast and Skittles – the cornerstones of a balanced futuristic diet I might add – are under threat. These dyes are added to attract shoppers. Attract! As if the sheer unadulterated deliciousness wasn't enough. It reminds me of that time I tried to invent a flavor so intense it could only be described as 'tastes like burning!' Needless to say it didn't go well. Oh the humanity!

Big Food's Big Frown

Of course the food giants like PepsiCo and General Mills are less than thrilled. They argue there's no real evidence these dyes are harmful. But according to some Lancet study these things cause 'increased hyperactivity.' Hyperactivity! As if our youth needed *more* energy. Back in my day children were happy with a simple stick and a rock. Now get off my lawn!

Kennedy's Crusade

Apparently Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is leading the charge. He even used Froot Loops as his prime example! Froot Loops! It's like attacking motherhood and apple pie... if motherhood and apple pie were artificially colored and vaguely fruity. I'm not sure about all this. Perhaps he should focus on more pressing matters like figuring out how to reverse the effects of time travel paradoxes. Now *that's* a challenge!

The Ghost of Colors Past

Companies have tried this before. Kraft Heinz changed their mac and cheese but then General Mills reverted Trix back to its artificially colored glory because customers complained! Customers! So fickle! It's like when I tried to invent Smell O Scope allowing one to see things far away or maybe even things that aren't really there. But people said it smelled bad so I had to scrap it. Those ungrateful oafs!

McCormick's Moment to Shine!

But there's always a winner! McCormick the flavor and formula tweaking geniuses are seeing a surge in business. Seems everyone wants help removing these pesky dyes. Reformulation activity is up! Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! Perhaps I should invest in McCormick. After all a good scientist always diversifies his portfolio especially when one has lost all his money in mummy bonds. Why did I trust that mummy?