Bears. Burritos. Boardrooms: Tesla Enlists Chipotle Guru to Fight the EV Apocalypse!

Identity Theft is Not a Joke Jim! Unless It Involves Electric Cars

As Assistant Regional Manager (and volunteer Sheriff's Deputy) I Dwight K. Schrute am uniquely qualified to report on matters of great importance. Today's subject: Tesla that electric car company run by a man who probably doesn't even know the proper way to harvest beets. Apparently they're in trouble. Stock prices down? Profits eroding? Sounds like a classic case of Schrute Farms needing to bail them out with our superior agricultural efficiency! But no instead they've hired a Chipotle executive.

The Chili Conspiracy: From Burritos to Batteries

Jack Hartung formerly of Chipotle is joining Tesla's board. Chipotle! The land of overflowing burritos and questionable bathroom cleanliness. One must wonder what are his qualifications? Did he single handedly prevent a nationwide guacamole shortage? Did he master the art of the perfect tortilla fold? Perhaps he knows the secret ingredient to make the Cybertruck palatable. Whatever it is Musk thinks this man can save his sinking ship. As Mose would say 'The electric wind is coming!' (I think that's what he said it's hard to understand him).

DOGE Days Are Over? I Highly Doubt It.

Speaking of Musk he's been moonlighting as some kind of government efficiency czar for President Trump – something called DOGE. Which let's be honest sounds like something Michael would come up with after a particularly potent batch of 'herb.' Musk claims he'll spend less time on it. Less time? If I were running Tesla I'd demand his undivided attention! You can't half ass a company that's trying to compete with… well other companies that make electric cars I guess. Farmers never half ass their beets.

Audit Committee? More Like Audit y Committee!

Hartung will be on the audit committee. Audits are serious business. They require a level of focus and attention to detail that only a beet farmer can truly appreciate. Let's hope this Hartung character doesn't try to pull a fast one. I'll be watching him. Always. And I'll be ready with my trusty beet knife. Belsnickel is always judging!

Nepotism Alert! (But Not the Michael Scott Kind)

Apparently Hartung's son in law is a Tesla service technician. Oh the tangled web we weave! Hopefully this doesn't lead to any… questionable repair jobs. You know like the kind where a 'blown fuse' turns into a complete engine replacement. And what about Kimbal Musk Elon's brother who used to be on Chipotle's board? The connections are everywhere! It's like a bowl of chili everyone's got their hands in it!

Tesla Diner: Bringing Retro Futurism to Your Gut

Tesla is launching a diner. A diner! What is this Back to the Future? I bet they don't even serve beet borscht. Or potato pancakes. This is an outrage! Still it's good to see they're diversifying. Because let's face it if this whole electric car thing goes belly up at least they'll have a place to sell overpriced burgers. Just another reason why Schrute Farms will always be on top.