Decoding the Matrix: Functional Medicine Guru's Guide to a Healthy Life (and Why It's Not the Metaverse)

Move Fast and Don't Break Things (Especially Your Body)

Alright Zuck here. So I stumbled upon this article about Jeffrey Bland the 'father of functional medicine.' Apparently he's been geeking out on disease prevention since before Facebook was even a twinkle in my eye (or should I say a flicker on my CRT monitor). His big question? Can we focus on *not* getting sick instead of just patching people up later? Sounds like a bug fix BEFORE the crash which let's be honest we could all use a little more of am I right?

Worthy of Good Health? More Like 'Worthy of a Like!'

Bland starts his day believing he's 'worthy of good health.' I'm thinking 'Okay boomer,' but then he goes on to say he's grateful for another day. Gotta admit that's a more positive status update than the usual doom scrolling. Sets the context for everything he says. Like setting your privacy settings to 'Friends Only' before posting that embarrassing photo from college.

An Hour a Day Keeps the Metaverse Away

An hour of physical activity? Every day? That's like a lifetime in metaverse years! Bland's run walking Pilates... Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out if typing furiously counts as cardio. He even keeps a health journal. Imagine if we tracked our health stats like we track user engagement. 'Day 365: Ate kale. Spiked VO2 max. Feeling slightly less like a robot.'

Taste the Rainbow (of Phytonutrients Not Skittles)

Colorful fruits and vegetables apparently are the real MVPs. Phytonutrients flavonoids... sounds like something out of a sci fi movie. Bland's basically saying eat your greens (and reds and yellows) to avoid chronic diseases. It's like leveling up your health bar in a video game except instead of defeating bosses you're conquering cognitive decline. 'Eat your kale it will help you build the Metaverse maybe...'

Recreational Reading: The Ultimate Algorithmic Escape

An hour of 'meditating relaxation' before bed? That's prime doom scrolling time! But Bland reads about nature and adventure instead of the latest drama on Twitter (err I mean X). He's onto something. 'Move fast and don't break things,' but also maybe move slow and read a book about trees. And this I agree with.

Purpose: The Ultimate Social Network (IRL Edition)

Bland's got a sense of purpose a legacy he's building. And he's definitely onto something. Whether it's work spirituality or philanthropy having a positive impact connects you with others. It's like the original social network but without the targeted ads and the existential dread. 'Contributing to his legacy daily fuels him.' That's true very true. Building a legacy matters. Metaverse and all. But maybe Bland and all are right. Maybe we can build a legacy in the real world.