Panem's Got Nothing on This: Markets Rise as World Teeters on Edge (Again)

May the Odds Be Ever in Your Portfolio's Favor

Well folks it seems like the world's on fire again. Iran and Israel are at it and you'd think that would send everyone scrambling for the bunkers. But no the stock market's having a field day. The S&P 500 Dow Jones and Nasdaq are all up. Maybe everyone's betting on weapon stocks? Or maybe they're just as confused as I am. Remember what I said to Peeta about always doing what you can to survive? Seems like Wall Street took that to heart though their idea of surviving involves complex financial instruments instead of snares and berries.

Ceasefire? More Like 'Cease Fire Sales'!

Apparently Iran wants a ceasefire which is a bit like President Snow suddenly deciding he's a big fan of mockingjays. Netanyahu though isn't having it. He's "not backing down" from eliminating Iran's nuclear program. Honestly you'd think after all the explosions and near misses people would learn that blowing each other up isn't the best solution. But hey what do I know? I just survived two Hunger Games and a revolution. Peeta says I should be more optimistic. I'll work on that right after I figure out how to make peace with tracker jackers.

The Defense Department: Now Powered by Artificial Intelligence (Probably for Maximum Efficiency in Blowing Things Up)

The U.S. Defense Department is turning to AI. Yes you heard that right. Skynet is officially online. They've got a contract with OpenAI to… well basically make war more efficient. Because apparently human error is the only thing holding us back from total annihilation. I can see it now: drones that quote President Snow before firing missiles. "Hope it is the only thing stronger than fear." Then BOOM! The irony is just… *chef's kiss*.

Trump Mobile: Because Everyone Needs a Gold Plated Phone to Tell Them the World is Ending

And then there's the Trump Organization bless their tone deaf hearts. They've decided to launch a mobile phone plan and a gold plated smartphone called "T1." Because what the world really needs right now is a way to tweet about the apocalypse in style. Honestly it's like they're trying to outdo Effie Trinket in the 'most out of touch' competition. "That is mahogany!" I can hear her squealing over the phone's casing. Maybe this phone comes with a built in tracker jacker repellent? Asking for a friend.

G7 Leaders: 'We Support Israel!' (Please Ignore the Fine Print)

The G7 leaders are chiming in saying they support Israel and condemning Iran. It's all very official and serious. They reiterated that Iran can never have a nuclear weapon which is great but also reminds me of all the empty promises made by the Capitol. Remember when they said the Hunger Games were over? Yeah I do too. I also remember what Haymitch said: "Remember who the enemy is." Right now it seems like everyone's pointing fingers and I'm just trying to figure out who's actually trying to put out the fire.

Gold: The Ultimate Safe Haven (Apparently More Reliable Than Governments)

And finally gold is apparently the new black. It's outshining everything else as the safe haven investment. Forget Treasurys and yen; gold is where it's at. Apparently it's because it's “no one else's liability.” Which let's be honest is a pretty solid selling point these days. I almost wish I'd hoarded gold instead of those old mockingjay pins. Almost. Nothing beats a good symbol of rebellion.