Tesla's Board Searches for New CEO: Did They Finally Feel My Roundhouse Kick?

Musk's Exit Strategy: From Mars to the White House?

Word on the street is Tesla's board is hunting for a new top dog. Apparently even Elon Musk can't be everywhere at once especially if he's spending 'a day or two per week' trying to shrink the government. Newsflash: Government doesn't shrink; it multiplies... like ninjas when I clap my hands. But seriously the Wall Street Journal says they're looking for someone to take the reins. Maybe they finally realized you can't run a company and a space program while simultaneously tweeting memes. I know a thing or two about multitasking. I can kick a guy in the face while simultaneously filing my taxes but even I need a nap sometimes. It's a good thing I always sleep with a night light. Not because I'm afraid of the dark but the dark is afraid of me!

Profits Take a Dive: Chuck Norris Doesn't Approve

Tesla's sales and profits took a nosedive faster than a villain who just saw me roll up my sleeves. Revenue dipped automotive sales tanked and net income plummeted 71%. That's worse than the time I accidentally kicked a beehive. The board is not happy and neither am I. You don't mess with the market or Chuck Norris will mess with you. Even Tesla's Model Y update couldn't save them which means either it needs more horsepower or maybe it needs to be named Model Chuck. I already own the trademark.

Elon's Distractions: A Lesson in Focus

Apparently Musk's escapades including his time playing footsie with Washington D.C. haven't exactly helped Tesla's bottom line. Remember folks a distracted leader is like a car without brakes – headed for a cliff. Tesla's shares have already plunged 30% this year! That's almost as fast as I can clear a room full of bad guys. The moral of the story? Focus on the mission or Chuck Norris will find you a new one. And trust me you don't want that mission.

Model Y's Makeover: Not Enough Horsepower?

They blame the revenue decline on lower prices sales incentives and updates to its four factories in order to start making a refreshed version of its popular Model Y SUV. Well maybe they should have consulted me. I know a thing or two about upgrades. I once upgraded a bicycle with a rocket launcher. The point is you can’t blame lower prices or sales incentives for a failing business model. As I said it either needs more horsepower or maybe it needs to be named Model Chuck.

The Analyst's Angle: Even They're Scared

Analysts were expecting $21.11 billion in revenue but Tesla only managed $19.34 billion. That's a miss bigger than the hole I kicked through the Iron Curtain. And the automotive revenue? A measly $14 billion. Pathetic. Even LSEG data is trembling in fear. When Chuck Norris looks at numbers the numbers look back…and apologize.

The Future of Tesla: My Two Cents

So what's next for Tesla? Only time will tell. But one thing's for sure: they need a leader who can focus innovate and maybe learn a roundhouse kick or two. Because in the world of business just like in life you either lead follow or get out of Chuck Norris's way.