Hotel Guests Gone Wild? Chuck Norris Says: Shape Up or Facekick!

Barefoot Bandits Beware!

Listen up buttercups. This ain't no free range chicken coop. Hotels.com says 94% of you are struttin' around barefoot like you own the place. Newsflash: you don't. The only time you should be barefoot is when you're kickin' bad guys in the face... and that's usually *my* job. Remember hotels aren't your living room unless your living room has a minibar and a guy named Sven who brings you tiny soaps.

Robe Rage: Leave the Lobbies to the Professionals

Ninety two percent of you are rockin' hotel robes in the lobby? Seriously? Unless you're auditioning for a 'Being Chuck Norris' biopic ditch the bathrobe. It's like wearing pajamas to a gunfight. You're just asking for trouble...and a serious fashion citation from yours truly.

PDA: Keep Your Hands to Yourself (or Use Them for Roundhouse Kicks)

Public displays of affection in the pool? Eighty six percent find it repulsive. Me? I find it a waste of time. If you've got that much energy go chop some wood or fight a bear. Save the romance for the room folks. Otherwise you might just find yourself doing the backstroke...with a face full of my fist.

Whisper Warriors: The Art of Hotel Diplomacy

Some hotels are tiptoeing around these issues being all 'subtle' and 'respectful.' Pfft. That's like trying to stop a hurricane with a feather duster. Reem Arbid from The Blue Door Kitchen & Inn wants quiet voices and polite requests. I say if someone's yapping on their phone loud enough to wake the dead just stare at them. If that doesn't work a well placed cough that sounds suspiciously like 'SHUT UP!' usually does the trick.

Pajamas and Poolside Prowlers: Modern Luxury's New Low?

Sam Jagger at The Maybourne Beverly Hills is letting the pajama clad hordes roam free and allowing pups in beds. Next thing you know they'll be serving tofu instead of steak! There is such a thing as standards! While "respect for the safety and privacy of fellow guests" is alright if I see someone in their jammies at breakfast they're getting a swift kick in the keister. That's how Chuck Norris respects privacy – by ensuring you're not subjected to the horror of someone else's bad fashion choices.

Pool Chair Pirates: My Personal Enemy

Don't even get me started on those pool chair pirates who hog all the seats! Sixty percent of you hate it and so do I. Next time you see someone pulling that stunt just 'accidentally' kick their towel into the pool. It's called 'justice,' Chuck Norris style. Or just use your laser vision to vaporize their chair. It's really your call.