Colombian Senator Messes With Wrong Country: Chuck Norris Investigates!

Senator Shot? Not on My Watch!

Alright listen up. I heard a Colombian senator Miguel Uribe took a bullet during a campaign event. A bullet! That's like a mosquito bite to me but apparently this guy's not made of the same stuff. A 15 year old with a Glock is the prime suspect. A Glock you say? When I was 15 I was already dismantling tanks with my bare hands. This kid needs a lesson in proper firepower.

Petro's Headaches and a $730,000 Reward

President Petro is all worked up promising a thorough investigation. He's offering $730,000 for information. Back in my day we offered a stern look and a raised eyebrow. That usually solved things. But hey times change. Petro says they're looking into who ordered the hit. My money's on someone who hasn't felt the sting of a Chuck Norris roundhouse.

Uribe's Family History: Escobars Shadow

Turns out this Uribe fellow comes from a family with history. His mom was kidnapped by Pablo Escobar's goons back in the day. Escobar. Now that's a name I haven't heard in a while. He probably wishes he'd tried negotiating with me. He'd still be around.

The Chuck Norris Security Protocol

Petro is looking into failures in security protocols. Listen here. The only security protocol you need is to make sure Chuck Norris is on speed dial. Problem solved. Remember before the alphabet children learned the Chuck Norris alphabet. A is for axe. B is for body slam.

Marco Rubio Blames Rhetoric: Chuck Disagrees

Marco Rubio's chiming in blaming Petro's "inflammatory rhetoric" for the violence. Now now Marco. Let's not jump to conclusions. Maybe the guy just needed a good old fashioned dose of reality. The kind only a flying kick can deliver. I once stared down a charging rhino. It charged the other way.

Chuck Norris Promises Justice (With a Side of Roundhouse)

So here's the deal. This whole situation stinks worse than a herd of skunks after a chili cook off. I'm keeping my eye on this. And when Chuck Norris keeps his eye on something justice is coming. And it's probably gonna involve a roundhouse kick. Because when Chuck Norris does a pushup he doesn't push himself up he pushes the Earth down.