ALLLLLLLLLLRIGHTY THEN! China Claims Victory in Trade Tango with Uncle Sam! Is This BIZARRO?!

Shikaka! They're At It Again!

Greetings Earthlings! Ace Ventura: Pet Detective reporting LIVE from… well not the jungle but the concrete one! Word on the street is China's strutting around like they just won the Super Bowl… or you know the Panda Bowl! Seems they're patting themselves on the back for this 'trade agreement' with the good ol' U.S. of A. "China's firm countermeasures and resolute stance have been highly effective," says some social media guru linked to CCTV. Resolute stance? More like a resolute staring contest with Trump! BUM BUM BUM!

Tariff Tango: A Real Head Scratcher!

So what's the dealio? Apparently China convinced Trumpy boy to roll back those crazy tariffs from 145% to a measly 30%. In exchange China promised to do the same with their counter tariffs. Sounds like a square dance with numbers to me! But hey who am I to judge? I'm just a pet detective… and a darn good one if I do say so myself. And if I don't say so myself then who will? ME! ME! ME!

Weibo Mania: Hashtags Gone Wild!

Social media's blowing up faster than a pigeon in a microwave! This hashtag #USChinaSuspending24%TariffsWithin90Days already has like a gazillion views! Okay maybe 420 million but who's counting? It's like a virtual party celebrating… something. I'm not exactly sure what but the people seem happy. Happy people happy pets happy Ace! Allllrighty then!

Cavemen and Trade Deals: A History Lesson!

Some wise guy on Chinese social media Chun Feng Yi Ran said "Our ancestors didn't cave in why should we give up what we have?" Deep stuff man! It's like Sun Tzu meets the Stock Exchange. I'm getting a vision… ancient warriors haggling over jade and spices! Who knew trade could be so dramatic? Must. Not. Fart.

Promise Fatigue: Sounds Exhausting!

Apparently the international business community is suffering from 'promise fatigue' with Beijing. They talk a good game but the action's slower than a snail in molasses. Beijing says they'll work on a new "consultation mechanism" with Trump. Sounds like a fancy name for 'let's talk about talking.' All the while they are quietly exempting companies before the talks for some companies that operate locally. Talk about a slippery weasel!

Rare Earths and Mixed Signals: Earth to China!

And get this: China's cracking down on rare earth smuggling blaming “foreign entities”. The U.S. China trade deal has brought temporary relief from the escalating trade war roiling the global economy stock markets around the world surged Monday after Beijing and Washington announced the deal. What a bunch of hooligans and tomfoolery! I swear this is like some sort of plot to mess with us!