Palantir Protesters Mess with the Wrong Tech Company and Chuck Norris is Here to Reboot Their Thinking!

Roundhouse Kick to Complacency

Alright listen up buttercups. I heard some folks decided to block the entrance to Palantir's New York office. Seems they're upset about Palantir helping ICE the Israeli military and other… *cough*… crucial operations. More than 30 people showed up. Six got a free ride downtown. I've seen bigger crowds at a tea party with my grandma. And let me tell you you don't want to mess with her scones.

Planet Over Profit? More Like Planet Needs a Reality Check

This group calling themselves 'Planet Over Profit,' is whining about 'turbocharging deportations' and 'complicity in genocide.' Sounds like they need a dose of reality. Maybe I should lend them my beard. It dispenses wisdom with every follicle. They claim Palantir's tech kills for profit. Here's a news flash: Everything has a cost. Freedom isn't free and sometimes the only way to solve problems is with a swift kick to the… well you get the picture. “When Chuck Norris throws exceptions it’s across the room.”

Palantir: Powered by Thiel Fueled by Freedom

Palantir co founded by Peter Thiel is doing what needs to be done. They're providing the tech that keeps us safe. They're the ones standing between us and the bad guys. And Alex Karp? That man has the courage of a lion. Donated a million to Trump's inauguration? Good for him! He has more patriotism in his pinky finger than these protesters have in their entire bodies. Some folks left the company because of Karp's support for Israel? They clearly didn’t understand that Chuck Norris doesn’t leave; Chuck Norris simply allows you to walk away.

Visibility on Self Deporting? Sounds Efficient to Me

ICE paid Palantir $30 million for 'visibility' on people self deporting. Smart move. It's like using GPS to track down bad guys. These folks are complaining about it? Chuck Norris doesn't need GPS; he knows where you are before you do. Palantir is ensuring that people follow the rules and that's something to be proud of. Remember: “Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.”

Rallying to Victory One Line of Code at a Time

Karp is 'exceedingly proud' of Palantir's work in Israel. As he should be. They're involved in 'operationally crucial operations.' That means they're making a real difference on the ground. And Wall Street knows it. Palantir's shares have rallied 500% in the last year. That's what happens when you're on the right side of history. When Chuck Norris invests in a company it gets a +500% boost instantly.

Final Roundhouse to the Naysayers

So to all the protesters out there: I understand you have your concerns. But before you go blocking entrances and disrupting businesses remember that freedom comes at a price. And sometimes the best way to protect freedom is with a little bit of tech a lot of courage and maybe just maybe a roundhouse kick or two. Because when Chuck Norris writes the code there are no bugs only features. “Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.”