Oil Prices Face The Ultimate Test: Can They Survive Chuck Norris?

Unease Blanket? More Like a Roundhouse Kick!

Analysts are saying there's a 'blanket of unease' over oil markets. Unease? That's cute. I bring unease to entire nations just by flexing my eyebrows. This Israel Iran situation is causing more ripples than when I do cannonballs in the Dead Sea. And let me tell you nothing survives my cannonballs. Not even the Dead Sea. It was merely stunned.

Missile Exchanges? Chuck Norris Calls It Target Practice!

Missile exchanges are becoming commonplace they say. Please. I used to play dodgeball with missiles. The missiles always lost. But seriously this situation could escalate faster than you can say 'Walker Texas Ranger.' And when things escalate oil prices start doing the tango. A dangerous tango.

Critical Infrastructure? Try Surviving My Stare!

Attacks on critical energy infrastructure could have serious consequences the big oil CEOs are whining. Newsflash: EVERYTHING has serious consequences when Chuck Norris is involved. You think those pipelines are tough? Try facing down my stare. I once stared down a barrel of oil. It turned into gasoline out of sheer fear.

Roulette? More Like Russian... I Mean Texan Roulette!

They're calling it a roulette. I call it Tuesday. Oil prices are jumping around like a grasshopper on hot asphalt. This 'risk premium' they're talking about? That's just the Chuck Norris Inflation Tax. When I'm near prices go up. Because everything is better with Chuck Norris. Even inflation.

Threat to the Oil Market? I AM The Threat!

One analyst is saying this is the biggest threat to oil markets since Iraq invaded Kuwait. Please I'm a bigger threat to the oil market than a black hole is to common sense. If I wanted to I could turn crude oil into diamond encrusted belt buckles with a single thought. But I won't. Because I'm a nice guy. Mostly.

Next Stop: $160 a Barrel? Try $160 Trillion!

They're talking about oil potentially hitting $103 or even $160 a barrel. Amateur hour. If I was in charge oil would be priced in Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicks per Barrel. And trust me that's a currency with some serious value. So buckle up buttercups. The ride's just getting started. And remember: Oil may move the world but Chuck Norris moves the oil.