Shiver Me Timbers! Political Mayhem Aboard the Minnesota Ship!

A Landlubber's Lament: The Foul Deed!

Blast and barnacles! It appears there's been a right ol' kerfuffle in the land of Minnesota. They say a scoundrel by the name of Vance Luther Boelter 'im of the ripe age of 57 went on a rampage attacking politicians like a kraken attacks a ship. Aye a fearsome thing indeed! They say he even did in poor Melissa Hortman and her mate Mark. As I always say 'The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.' And this Boelter fellow well 'is attitude seems to be the problem indeed!

The Hunt for Boelter: A Swashbuckling Chase!

With more than 20 SWAT teams searching it was the biggest manhunt in the state's history! A right proper treasure hunt except instead of gold they were after a bloke who fancies himself a bit of a pirate what with the masks and such. 'This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!' Er I mean the day they caught Boelter. Lucky for them I wasn't involved. Far too much bother and frankly I'm more of a rum chasing pirate than a politician chasing one.

The Masked Marauder: A Disguise Most Unbecoming!

Imagine! A latex mask and a law enforcement uniform! The audacity! It's like dressing up as a parrot and pretending to be Captain Jack Sparrow. Preposterous! One must have a certain je ne sais quoi to pull off such a feat. This Boelter fellow? Clearly lacking. Though I admit a disguise can be useful. Once I convinced a whole garrison that I was a eunuch. 'Why is the rum always gone?' Because sometimes ye need a disguise to get to it!

The List of the Doomed: A Pirate's Shopping List Gone Wrong!

They say Boelter had a list! A list of potential targets! Sounds like me Christmas shopping list except instead of 'rum' and 'shiny trinkets,' it had names of politicians. A tad less festive wouldn't you say? I do hope he had 'compass that points to what you want most' on there. Otherwise he's just wandering aimlessly like a ship without a rudder. Which if I'm honest is often how I operate as well!

Minnesota Mourns: A Sea of Sorrows!

It seems the good people of Minnesota are in a right state of grief mourning the loss of Hortman. Even the President bless 'is heart has chimed in saying 'such horrific violence will not be tolerated.' It's like the time they said they wouldn't tolerate me stealing the *Interceptor*. Didn't stop me then did it? Though I must say violence is never the answer... unless the question involves getting back me ship.

The Aftermath: Pieces of Eight and Justice!

So Boelter is in custody being interviewed like a parrot in a courtroom. They're even looking for accomplices! I say if you're going to commit piracy – er I mean political mayhem – do it alone! Less to share the loot with eh? But seriously I hope they bring these scoundrels to justice. And perhaps offer them a bottle of rum. For medicinal purposes of course. 'Savvy?'