ALLLLRIGHTY THEN! U.S. GRABS UKRAINE'S ROCKS! (AND I DON'T MEAN DWAYNE 'THE ROCK' JOHNSON)

Holy Testicle Tuesday! A Deal is Born!

Greetings Earthlings! Ace Ventura Pet Detective (and now apparently geopolitical analyst) here! Seems like our friends in the U.S. of A. have been sniffing around Ukraine like a lovesick skunk at a perfume factory. And what have they found? Why a treasure trove of shiny rocks of course! Minerals to be exact. Apparently everyone and their mother wanted this deal! Even the former guy Donald Trump has been after this deal for quite sometime. Could it be... Satan?

Show Me the Money! (In Mineral Form)

This whole shebang started because Uncle Sam wanted to make sure he wasn't left holding the bag after sending all that moolah to Ukraine. Trumpy boy himself said it's "payback" for the U.S. helping out with the whole 'Russia being a big bully' situation. So instead of cold hard cash they're going for hot hard minerals! Smart move Captain Obvious! (That's a compliment by the way... kinda.)

Ukraine's Got the Power! (Or at Least the Say)

Now don't go thinking Ukraine's just bending over backwards like I do when I'm trying to talk to a chihuahua. Nope! They get to decide "where and what to extract." They have the power! They're calling the shots! It's like giving Snowflake a flamethrower… potentially dangerous but oh so empowering!

50/50? Sounds Like a Bad Comedy Duo!

This new investment fund is supposed to be a 50 50 split. No one gets to be the top banana! Which is great but usually those types of partnerships are terrible! You never want to evenly split what did they not watch Shark Tank?

Allllrighty Then What Does This Mean?

Well folks it means the U.S. gets some sweet sweet minerals Ukraine gets some much needed economic assistance and Russia probably gets a serious case of the grumps. Everyone wins! Sort of. Unless you're a geologist who suddenly has a lot more competition. In that case... *sad trombone*.

Hasta la Vista Mineral Hatin' Russia!

So there you have it! The U.S. and Ukraine are holding hands and skipping into the sunset laden with precious minerals. This is a clear message to Russia. So clear in fact that I'm pretty sure they can see it from Moscow! Remember folks love is in the air. Unless you're near a skunk. Then it's just... well you know. I have to get back to my clients. Buh bye!