Boeing Dodges Jail Time?! Alllllrighty Then! Ace Ventura Investigates!

Holy Testicle Tuesday! Boeing Gets a Pass?

Alrighty then! Ace Ventura: Pet Detective reporting live from the scene of… well a news article! The U.S. Justice Department bless their cotton socks has apparently struck a deal with Boeing. Yeah *that* Boeing. The one that makes those 737 Max planes that went belly up… literally! Seems they're avoiding prosecution for those two little incidents that oh just killed 346 people. Can you believe it?! Does anyone feel a draft? It feels like justice just left the building. Like a rhino giving birth to a VW Beetle.

Felon Schmellon! Avoiding the 'F' Word

So Boeing gets to skip being labeled a 'felon.' A FELON! Like Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn IS Finkle! Finkle IS Einhorn! EINHORN IS A MAN!!! Sorry got a little carried away there. Point is they’re a 'major military contractor' and 'top U.S. exporter,' which apparently means you get a free pass to… well not face trial. The families of the victims? They’re just peachy keen about this! NOT! They’ve been clamoring for a trial for years! But the DOJ says this deal is a 'fair and just resolution.' Fair? JUST? You’re killing me Smalls!

Cha Ching! Show Me the Money! (That They Have to Pay)

Boeing will have to 'pay or invest' over $1.1 BILLION. I tell ya money talks. It sings it dances it even makes a mean cup of coffee! This includes a $487.2 million criminal fine (though they get credit for some they already paid) $444.5 million for a new fund for crash victims and another $445 million for compliance safety and quality programs. Alllllrighty then! Sounds like they’re trying to buy their way out of this one. But can you really put a price on 346 lives? I think not! I can see your aura and I don't like what I see!

Maxed Out! The Planes That Couldn't Fly Straight

Let's not forget those pesky Max planes. A Lion Air flight in October 2018 and an Ethiopian Airlines flight less than five months later... I'm getting verklempt! Talk amongst yourselves! Those crashes grounded the Maxes worldwide for almost two years giving Airbus a head start. Talk about bad timing! But hey at least Boeing is trying to put it all behind them. Right? WRONG! The families ain't buying it! They say previous agreements were 'sweetheart deals' and want executives on trial! I concur!

Past Sins and Future Shenanigans!

In 2022 some former chief technical pilot skated free on fraud charges. SHOCKER! And in 2021 during the Trump era Boeing got another shield from prosecution for three years. Talk about a get out of jail free card! They agreed to pay $2.51 billion then but it looks like someone messed up because even last year U.S. prosecutors said Boeing violated that settlement! Seems they couldn’t even set up a proper compliance program. Can we get some new management in here?!

Jedi Mind Tricks and Justice Kicks (in the Pants)!

Remember Mark Forkner? That pilot guy? He told the FAA to delete the flight control system from manuals and boasted about 'jedi mind tricking' regulators. Seriously?! You can't make this stuff up! Lawyers for the victims’ families are rightfully ticked off calling this whole deal a 'slap on the wrist.' And Boeing? They're busy winning billion dollar contracts to build fighter jets and presidential planes. Seems like some animals are more equal than others. Ace Ventura signing off! Remember do not go in there! *mimics the sound of flushing toilet*