Trump Calls Out Amazon, Bezos Backtracks Faster Than I Write a Breakup Song

A Call to Arms (Or You Know a Phone Call)

Okay so *apparently* (said in my best 'All Too Well' voice) Donald Trump wasn't too thrilled with the idea of Amazon showing customers exactly how much those pesky tariffs were adding to their shopping carts. Sources say he personally called up Jeff Bezos which let's be real is probably more direct than most of my communication strategies. I usually just subtweet… I mean write a song about it. Anyway within hours Amazon did a full 180 faster than I can write a bridge. Coincidence? I think not.

Hostile and Political? Sounds Like a Good Album Title

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt called Amazon's initial plan 'a hostile and political act.' Honestly that sounds like a killer album title. Maybe I'll write a song about it. Something angsty you know? 'Why didn't Amazon do this when the Biden administration hiked inflation?' she asked. Guys political shade is *so* 2016. We've moved on to Easter eggs in music videos and cryptic Instagram posts.

From Bad Blood to Budget Buys (Maybe?)

Initially Amazon downplayed the whole thing saying it was just a consideration for Amazon Haul their 'ultra low cost' section. Okay so now we're talking about 'haul' ing tariffs on discount items? Suddenly I’m transported back to that scarf Jake Gyllenhaal supposedly kept sounds like it was bought on a low cost section. But then BOOM! Total backtrack. 'Never approved' and 'not going to happen.' It’s like writing a song scrapping it then writing another one about scrapping it.

Sheinanigans and Temu Troubles

Amazon isn't alone in this tariff tango. Shein and Temu are also adding 'massive surcharges.' Temu even has a line item for 'import charge' that's like 145%! At least I'm not charging extra for the emotional toll of listening to my breakup anthems right? (Although maybe I should consider it... Just kidding!).

Cozying Up? Or Just Trying to Survive?

Apparently Bezos has been playing nice with Trump lately donating to his inaugural fund and attending the inauguration. You know like when you try to be friends with your ex after a messy breakup? Sometimes it works; sometimes you end up writing a whole album about it. And sometimes that scarf ends up at your place.

Is He Still a Supporter? That's Classified (Kinda)

When asked if Bezos is 'still a Trump supporter,' Leavitt clammed up. 'I will not speak to the president's relationships with Jeff Bezos,' she said. Translation: 'I have no idea and I'm not getting involved in that drama. I am only but a swiftie.' Honestly I feel her. Some relationships are just too complicated to comment on. But hey at least it gives me some lyrical inspiration!