Whoop Just Messed With Texas: Chuck Norris Approves the New Fitness Trackers

Roundhouse to Your Health: Whoop Gets an Upgrade

Listen up because Chuck Norris doesn't say things twice. Whoop those tech savvy Texans just dropped two new fitness trackers: the Whoop 5.0 and the Whoop MG. Now I've stared down grizzlies and negotiated peace treaties with rogue washing machines so I know a thing or two about resilience. These devices? They're tougher than a two dollar steak. With a battery life that lasts almost two weeks it’s almost as long as my patience when someone tries to tell me a joke I haven’t heard. They're smaller faster and packed with more health insights than you can shake a stick at. And you should never shake a stick at Chuck Norris. You should especially not shake a stick that Chuck Norris is already shaking.

Triple the Power Less of the Fuss

I'm told the Whoop 5.0 and MG have a battery that lasts 14 days which is triple the 4.0's battery life. Folks that's like saying I can do a thousand push ups with one arm tied behind my back... actually I *can* do that. But the point is these things are built to last. And if they weren’t they’d have to answer to me. The new hardware is 7% smaller and 60% faster. It's like turning a Chihuahua into a Rottweiler without the need to go to the vet... or maybe that's what you did to the vet so that he would make your Chihuahua a Rottweiler. That reminds me time doesn't wait for Chuck Norris but it does ask permission first. And neither will you when you see your gym numbers after using a Whoop.

Membership Mayhem: Pick Your Poison

Alright let's talk cash. Whoop's got a tiered system: Whoop One Whoop Peak and Whoop Life. Think of it as choosing your level of badassery. One gets you the basics Peak adds some fancy health monitoring and Life? Well that unlocks medical grade features that are more advanced than my knowledge of what Tik Tok is. Blood Pressure Insights are in beta. If you are not a beta male you should have great insights. You'll measure sleep strain and recovery as well as the cardiovascular and muscular impact of various workouts. Because when Chuck Norris works out the weights spot *him*. Remember the early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Healthspan: Turning Back the Clock Norris Style

This Healthspan feature is where things get interesting. It calculates your 'Whoop Age' and 'Pace of Aging.' In Chuck Norris years I’m perpetually 25. I use my beard hairs as toothpicks when I go camping. So for you guys the Healthspan feature is something that may actually be of use. And listen up because it uses data to give you tips on how to slow down the aging process. Basically it tells you how to live more like Chuck Norris. The company developed this in partnership with the Buck Institute for Research on Aging so this is really cool technology that I should have come up with first. If I wasn’t so busy roundhouse kicking the bad guys.

Whoop Life: ECGs and Blood Pressure Oh My!

The Whoop Life membership is where things get serious. I'm talking ECG readings to detect irregular heart rhythms and daily blood pressure insights. The ECG feature is FDA cleared so you know it's legit. It's like when I endorse a product – you know it’s going to be the best like that time I taught a bear how to waterski. You’ll have to log a traditional cuff reading to act as a baseline to unlock this feature and it's not intended for treatment diagnosis or medical use. Remember guns don't kill people Chuck Norris does. But in this case the Whoop Life *helps* people.

The Verdict: Chuck Norris Approved (With Caveats)

I always have the last word on any issue so let's get to it. The Whoop MG looks sleek feels good and the setup is easy faster than it is to say the phrase Chuck Norris. I think these trackers can give you a better handle on your health. If you're already a Whoop user the extended battery life alone is worth considering the upgrade. After all the only time Chuck Norris isn't prepared is when someone asks him for directions to second place. Now if you'll excuse me I have a mountain to climb with my bare hands. Why? Because mountains don't climb themselves but I do.