Bazinga Stock Market Armageddon Is Nigh!

A Penny Saved Is A Penny...Lost?!

Greetings carbon based life forms! Sheldon Cooper PhD BSc MA and potential future Nobel laureate (though the committee has yet to recognize my genius obviously) reporting on the current economic climate. According to a rather astute individual at UBS Rebecca Cheong the stock market is currently exhibiting all the stability of a deuterium atom in a magnetic field. In other words not good. Apparently all those pennies you've been squirreling away might soon be worth about as much as...well pennies. Which let's face it isn't saying much.

Tariffs? More Like Terrifying iffs!

This latest bout of financial unpleasantness you see is due in no small part to something called 'tariffs,' which as far as I can discern are less about paving roads and more about igniting economic squabbles. It all began as these things often do with pronouncements from a certain individual with a penchant for golden escalators and a Twitter account. He imposed what one might call 'significant' tariffs which then prompted a brief '90 day pause,' a gesture about as effective as trying to stop a velociraptor with a sternly worded memo. Frankly it's all quite illogical.

Sheldon's Economic Bottom Line

Now according to Ms. Cheong the key here is that a true 'bottoming' requires something called 'sell exhaustion,' a state where everyone is so utterly fed up with losing money that they just give up and start buying again like the time Leonard decided to cook Indian food despite my explicit warnings. However based on Ms. Cheong's professional analysis there is no economic bottom yet which is disturbing. The only true bottom I accept is when I am done with my bowel movements and even then I need to assess my Bristol Stool Chart to assess my fiber diet intake.

Fake News or Fake Bottom?

The recent rebound apparently was merely a 'speculative' affair driven by the closing of 'short positions,' which sounds suspiciously like some sort of clandestine espionage maneuver. Ms. Cheong in her infinite wisdom (though let's be clear not infinite *enough*) disputes the notion that the market has reached its nadir. Frankly the entire situation reminds me of that time I tried to build a flux capacitor out of spare toaster parts. Ambitious? Yes. Successful? Absolutely not.

Where's The Capitulation Captain?

Indeed she notes the buying volume was 'super light,' indicating a distinct lack of the sort of 'capitulative buying' one typically sees at well the bottom. It's like trying to start a fire with damp wood – you can huff and puff all you want but you're not getting anywhere. And if there's one thing I can't abide it's inefficiency.

Bazinga! More Pain to Come!

So there you have it. According to the experts more economic pain is on the horizon. What does it all mean? I am going to now change my asset allocation to become more risk averse and I plan to now buy more gold as a safe haven for my money in case Armageddon comes. Now if you'll excuse me I have some equations to solve and a perfectly good spot on the couch to defend. Bazinga!