Meta Crushes Earnings, AI Investments Paying Off (And I'm Totally Not a Robot)

Another Quarter Another Dimension of Growth

Alright folks Zuck here. And I gotta say Q1 was... epic. Revenue up 16.1%? EPS soaring 36.5%? It's like we're living in the metaverse but with real world profits. Seriously the numbers are so good even I'm questioning if I'm in a simulation. But hey at least the simulation is profitable right? We're not just connecting the world; we're monetizing it one algorithm at a time. And to those who doubted my Reality Labs vision... well keep watching. We're just getting started. The future is Meta whether you like it or not. (Spoiler: you'll like it... eventually.)

AI: The Real MVP (Most Valuable Program)

Remember when everyone was worried about me pouring billions into AI? Yeah well who's laughing now? (Hint: it's me but in a totally non evil world domination kinda way.) Our AI investments are paying off BIG TIME. Better engagement better ad targeting – it's like having a digital Sheryl Sandberg running the show but without the 'Lean In' lectures (no offense Sheryl!). These AI recommendation algorithms are the secret sauce behind the 7% increase in time spent on Facebook and the 6% on Instagram. And Threads? A whopping 35% boost! Take that Elon! It seems our AI can build microblogging platforms better than you can. Maybe you should start investing in AI instead of rocket ships. Just a thought.

Capex: It's Not a Problem It's an Investment (In World Domination)

Okay okay I know what you're thinking: 'Zuck's spending is out of control!' But hear me out. Increasing our capital expenditures guidance to $67 billion is not a bug; it's a feature! We're building the infrastructure for the future people. Data centers AI powerhouses – it's all part of the master plan... I mean the strategic vision. And sure maybe some of that is to keep up with DeepSeek and all those other pesky AI startups. But mostly it's because we're playing the long game. Think of it as planting a money tree. You gotta water it to make it grow and the water is cold hard cash.

The European Headache (And Asian Trade Loophole Blues)

Of course it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Those European regulators are giving us a bit of a headache with the Digital Markets Act. Making us 'modify our business model'? Sounds like a bureaucratic nightmare. But don't worry we're 'actively engaged' with the European Commission. (Translation: we're trying to convince them that we're not evil.) And then there's the slowdown in ad spending from Asia based online retail exporters. Turns out closing that trade loophole has a ripple effect. But hey we're Meta! We adapt we overcome we find new loopholes... I mean opportunities. We're always on the lookout for the next frontier and we won't let a little regulatory pressure or trade war slow us down.

Guidance: Still Aiming for the Stars (Even if Some of Them Are Red)

Our Q2 revenue guidance is solid and we're adjusting our price target to $700 (from $750) to account for... you know... the vibes. And yes Reality Labs is still bleeding money but it's a 'small part of the overall business'. Focus on the green people! We're reiterating our 2 rating because we think this company is still the best. Now if you'll excuse me I have a virtual world to build and a reality to dominate.

Dominating Targeted Advertising with the Best Technology in the World!

Meta Platforms is dominating the advertising world! Facebook and Instagram are the place to be for advertisers. What more can I say! This company has scale and the financial prowess to continue our AI advances and expand the Metaverse. We've been investing in Meta since 2014. So if you don't want to miss the bus hop on board!