Match Group Fires Shots, Aims for Bullseye: Can Dating Apps Survive the Arena?

The Odds Were Never in Their Favor: Match Group's Mass Exodus

Well folks looks like even love has a price these days. Match Group the folks behind Tinder and a whole mess of other dating apps just announced they're firing 13% of their workforce. Thirteen percent! It's like reaping day all over again except instead of children it's… well slightly older people who probably swipe right for a living. CEO Spencer Rascoff who took over in February is apparently trying to “tackle a slowdown in user engagement.” Translation: people are tired of endless swiping and catfishing. Honestly can you blame them? I'd rather face a pack of tracker jackers than another profile promising 'good vibes only.'

Inflation? More Like 'Inflame ation'!

Apparently 'persistent inflation' and a 'lack of innovative features' are to blame for this mess. See even in the Capitol they understand the feeling of when the groosling is too expensive. So people are ditching dating apps faster than you can say 'I volunteer as tribute!' Because nothing says romance like worrying about whether you can afford the date let alone the electricity to charge your phone to swipe in the first place. Maybe they should start offering discounts for those who've survived the Hunger Games. Now that's a premium feature.

AI m High or Die Trying

Match Group and Bumble are now pinning their hopes on artificial intelligence. AI enabled discovery? I swear if I see one more 'innovative feature' that promises to find me my soulmate using algorithms I'm going to scream. It's like they're trying to replace Peeta's bread baking skills with a robot chef. But hey at least they're trying something. Maybe this AI can tell me who to trust because clearly my judgment is… questionable at best. Remember Gale? Good times. NOT!

Double Dates and Voice Based Flirting: A Capitol Idea?

They're introducing features like 'double date' and 'Game Game,' a voice based flirting simulator. A voice based flirting simulator? Seriously? Is this what it's come to? Practicing flirting with a machine? I’d rather train a squirrel to deliver bread than do that. But hey apparently the 'double date' feature is resonating with Gen Z. Figures. They're probably the only ones who can handle navigating a four way conversation with the attention span of a hummingbird. "May the odds be ever in your favor," Gen Z. You'll need it.

Revenue Per Paid User: A Glimmer of Hope (or Desperation?)

The revenue per paid user is up to $19.07 from $18.87 a year ago. A whopping twenty cents! They're practically swimming in dough! Okay maybe not. But at least someone's still paying for this madness. And they are forecasting revenue between $850 and $860 million for the second quarter. Not bad considering the world is falling apart and everyone's too busy trying to survive to find love. Though didn't stop me...just saying.

Security Boost: Less Bad Actors More… What Exactly?

They're also boasting about boosting security and verification resulting in a 15% reduction in 'bad actor reports'. Fifteen percent? So there's still an 85% chance you're going to get catfished by someone pretending to be a Capitol influencer? Great. I guess every arena has its monsters digital or otherwise. Maybe they should hire Haymitch to write their safety guidelines. At least they'd be brutally honest.