Trump's Ukraine Gambit: Diplomacy or Face My Roundhouse!

Rubio's Optimism My Skepticism

Marco Rubio's talking about 'optimism' and 'diplomacy' regarding the Russia Ukraine situation. Newsflash: Diplomacy is what happens when the other guy runs out of ammo. Trump's giving peace a chance which is more than I can say for most villains I've faced. But let's be clear my patience is thinner than Putin's hairline. If peace fails I'll be over there faster than you can say 'Walker Texas Ranger'.

Critical Week Critical Decisions... or Critical Injuries!

Rubio says this week is 'very critical'. He's right. It's critical that these negotiations lead somewhere. Otherwise it's time for Plan B: Operation 'Unleash Chuck'. I've negotiated with tougher customers than Putin – like that time I had to convince a grizzly bear to share my campfire. That bear learned the hard way that Chuck Norris doesn't share his marshmallows!

Trump's Progress Putin's Patience (or Lack Thereof)

Trump's supposedly made 'real progress'. Good. Because progress is like a good spinning back kick: it needs to be delivered with speed and precision. But if Putin is just 'tapping' Trump along as he suspects? Time for a new tapping – a tapping of justice! Remember I don't do push ups I push the Earth down.

Sanctions: The Norris Stamp of Approval

Trump's hinting at tougher sanctions – 'Banking' or 'Secondary Sanctions'. I say hit them where it hurts: their bank accounts! And maybe confiscate Putin's collection of Faberge eggs. While they are at it send Putin a T Shirt with my face on it. I bet he does not even wear it! Sanctions are okay but a swift roundhouse kick can be equally effective. The last time I roundhouse kicked someone they invented the lottery to pay for his medical bills.

Zelenskyy and The Productive Chat

Trump met with Zelenskyy. 'Productive discussion,' they say. I hope so. Zelenskyy's a tough cookie but he's up against a bear – a Russian bear with nuclear claws. Sometimes all you need is a Texan with an unstoppable right foot. My fists have no feelings. Only regret.

Too Many People Are Dying!!! (Time For a Norris Sized Solution)

Trump laments 'Too many people are dying!!!' He's right. And while diplomacy is good sometimes a little 'Norris style' intervention is needed. Remember when the Boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. So Putin if you're reading this: consider this your final warning. Peace or pieces. Your choice.