Nike's Fighting a Losing Battle? Chuck Norris Says It's Time to Roundhouse Kick the Competition!

Nike's Got a Problem? Tell Me Something I Don't Know!

Alright listen up. This Josh Brown fella at Ritholtz Wealth Management is saying Nike's in trouble. Says their celebrity spokespeople are getting too old. Well let me tell you something – time doesn't age Chuck Norris Chuck Norris ages time. But seriously if Nike's relying on guys who are practically fossils to sell shoes they're doing it wrong. I could endorse a pair of sneakers and sales would skyrocket faster than you can say 'Walker Texas Ranger!' I'd be so effective even *I* would buy them!

Falling Knife? More Like a Paper Cut!

Brown calls Nike a 'falling knife.' Ha! I laugh in the face of falling knives. I catch them between my teeth and use them to whittle a toothpick. But I understand his point. A 19% drop this year on top of a 30% loss last year? That's not just a stumble; that's tripping over your own shoelaces. They need a swift kick in the pants Chuck Norris style. When Nike falls down they better do ten push ups!

Low End of the Mid Teens Range? That's Just Sad.

Nike expects sales to decline. 'Low end' of the 'mid teens range?' Sounds like they're aiming for mediocrity. Mediocrity is for people who can't do a thousand push ups before breakfast. They're blaming restructuring tariffs and consumer confidence. Excuses excuses! Chuck Norris doesn't make excuses; he makes results. Maybe Nike needs to restructure its entire marketing strategy and hire me. I work for roundhouse kicks.

Eight Year Low? Someone Call a Doctor!

This stock is at an eight year low? That's a tragedy. My blood pressure is lower than that. And they’re still selling Air Force Ones and Jordans? Nostalgia is nice but it's not a substitute for innovation. If Nike wants to survive they need to find the next big thing or better yet create it.

Raising Prices? Bold Move Cotton...

So Nike's raising prices because of tariffs? They think that's going to solve their problems? Listen I understand economics. I once balanced the federal budget with a single roundhouse kick. But raising prices while sales are already down? That's like fighting a grizzly bear with a toothpick. It may be brave but you're going to lose. Plus you'll lose the toothpick.

The Chuck Norris Solution: Roundhouse Kick to the Competition!

These 'other brands' are forcing Nike to fight defensively? That's unacceptable. Nike needs to go on the offensive. They need to unleash their inner Chuck Norris and deliver a roundhouse kick to the competition. They need innovation a killer marketing strategy and maybe a little bit of my patented 'Walker Texas Ranger' swagger. If they want real change Nike needs to be asking themselves 'What would Chuck Norris do?' The answer as always is simple: Roundhouse kick.