Jeff Bezos Just Launched Katy Perry Into Space! Did Chuck Norris Approve?

The Final Frontier? More Like the Ultimate Chuck Norris Test!

Listen up folks! Bezos thinks he's pioneering space tourism? Please. Space has always been there waiting for a good roundhouse kick. Blue Origin launched his fiancee Lauren Sanchez and a gaggle of celebrities into the wild black yonder. Katy Perry Gayle King... they're all floating around like confused kittens. But here's the deal: space isn't impressed by fame. Space is impressed by Chuck Norris. When I go to space space will need a helmet.

All Female Flight? Chuck Norris Approves (After a Quick Vetting Process)

This was the first US spaceflight with an all female crew. The rocket went up 65 miles? My beard grows faster than that! I appreciate Sanchez hand picked all of these ladies to go to space with her; including singer songwriter Perry and 'CBS Mornings' co host King. Good for them. Valentina Tereshkova showed them how it's done in 1963. Women only make up 15% of people who have gone to space which is why I approve this mission. They inspire us all to dream I prefer everyone to be well rested before I see them though.

VIPs Gasp While Chuck Norris Yawns: Weightlessness is Just Another Tuesday

Oprah Winfrey cried? Please! I made the moon cry once. It wasn't pretty. I guess some private flights can be cool. William Shatner went up there and came back a changed man but he didn't do any fighting. Truth is zero gravity is just another Tuesday for Chuck Norris. I once did a push up in space. That's how they found Pluto.

Ticket Prices Secret? Chuck Norris Knows (But He Ain't Tellin')

Blue Origin isn't saying how much these joyrides cost? Don't worry Chuck Norris knows. I know everything! But I'm not telling. Some secrets are worth more than all the bitcoins in the galaxy. The Russian Space Agency is doing it Elon Musk's SpaceX is doing it pretty soon everyone will be flying to the moon... until I start protecting it.

SpaceX's First Client Became a Spacewalking Badass! Can Katy Perry Do That?

This Jared Isaacman guy who's about to be NASA's next administrator is out there spacewalking. I heard that he launched twice and performed the first private spacewalk. He is now set to become NASA's next administrator if confirmed by the Senate. Not bad kid. But can he survive a roundhouse kick in zero gravity? I think not. Wang returned from space and said 'the dream of becoming an astronaut is no longer limited to a select few'. I will always be number one on that list.

Commercial Spaceflight: Fun and Games Until Chuck Norris Shows Up

So we got billionaires flinging celebrities into space. We got secret ticket prices. We got people crying and gasping. All fun and games... until Chuck Norris decides to take a vacation. Then space will know what real terror feels like. Because when Chuck Norris goes to space the aliens build a wall to keep *him* out.