Global Markets MELTDOWN Thanks to Tariffs! Is Trump Channeling Ronan the Accuser?!

Make Earth Great Again? (At What Cost?)

Greetings Earthlings! Your friendly neighborhood Captain Marvel here reporting from the front lines of… well your planet's bizarre economic decisions. Apparently this 'Trump administration' is sticking to its guns – or should I say tariffs? – even as your stock market does a nosedive worthy of a malfunctioning Quinjet. I've faced down Ronan the Accuser and let me tell you sometimes I think your leaders are just as stubborn!

Tariffs are Coming! Brace Yourselves!

According to some guy named Lutnick (no relation to any Kree I know of thankfully) these tariffs are 'definitely going to stay in place for days and weeks.' Days AND weeks! Oh the humanity! It seems someone thinks everyone else having a 'trade surplus' while Earth has a 'deficit' is a problem. Newsflash: everyone has something you want; that's kind of how trading works. It is not like when I wanted to have a flerken Goose and he turned my life into a furball of chaos.

Billions Vanish! Was It Thanos?

In the wake of these announcements a casual $7.46 BILLION vanished from the global stock market. Poof! Gone! Now I'm not saying Thanos snapped his fingers again but the timing is… suspicious. Maybe someone should check if the Infinity Stones are involved. I can help but I'm not doing your taxes.

Holding the Course...Straight Into an Asteroid Field?

Another Earthling Bessent chimed in declaring they're 'going to hold the course.' Fantastic. Because nothing says 'smart leadership' like stubbornly steering your ship directly into an asteroid field. At least when I do that I can punch my way out. Can Earth’s economy do the same?

Ronan Would Be Proud (Probably)

Honestly the whole thing reminds me of Ronan the Accuser's unwavering dedication to… well blowing things up. Except instead of a Universal Weapon you're wielding… tariffs? I'm not sure which is scarier. At least with Ronan you knew what you were getting into. This? This is just economic policy with a side of potential galactic doom.

Captain Marvel's Advice: Don't Panic (Yet)!

So what's the takeaway? Should you all start stockpiling canned goods and learning Kree? Probably not. But maybe keep an eye on your investments and definitely demand better explanations from your leaders. And if things get REALLY bad you know who to call. (Just try not to make it during my Mahjong nights okay?) Over and out!