Earth's Mightiest Trade War! Trump's Tariffs Trigger Cosmic Stock Panic!

Make Earth Great Again... Through Tariffs?!

Greetings Earthlings! Your friendly neighborhood Captain Marvel here reporting from the front lines of… well your planet's economic drama. Apparently some orange guy named Trump is playing hardball with the global economy slapping tariffs on everyone like they're Ronan the Accuser trying to enter a peace treaty meeting. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick (who?) went on CBS's 'Face the Nation' – which let's be honest is a way less cool name than 'Guardians of the Galaxy Radio Hour' – and doubled down. These tariffs are 'coming,' he said as if it's some kind of inevitable cosmic event. Maybe I should just photon blast the whole idea into next week?

Stock Market Meltdown: Is This Thanos's Fault?!

So after these tariffs were announced on April 2nd the global stock market decided to throw a tantrum shedding more value than Goose sheds hairballs. We're talking billions! $7.46 billion to be precise. Honestly if this was happening in space I'd blame Thanos. But down here it seems like Earthlings are perfectly capable of creating their own chaos. Maybe I should gather the Avengers to help bail out your planet’s economy.

No Take Backs! (Says the Guy Who Probably Doesn't Know How to Fly)

Lutnick made it crystal clear: no extensions no postponements. These tariffs are here to stay apparently 'for days and weeks'. Days and weeks in space are like… well they’re still days and weeks but with more aliens. Anyway he claims Trump wants to 'reset global trade' because everyone else is making money except you guys. Which as a space faring superhero sounds like someone needs to brush up on intergalactic economics and probably ask the Skrulls for some business advice.

Treasury Secretary Joins the Chorus: Hold the Course!

Apparently Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (another newbie!) is on the same wavelength telling NBC's 'Meet the Press' that they're 'going to hold the course.' Hold the course? Sounds like something you say when you’re about to crash land a spaceship! I mean seriously guys maybe a little flexibility is in order. Like when you're dodging Kree warheads.

Houston We Have an Economic Problem... or Two... or Three!

Look I'm just a superhero trying to save the universe one interdimensional portal at a time. But even I know that slapping tariffs on everyone might not be the best way to make friends and influence people. Maybe try diplomacy? Offer everyone a Kree delicacy? I don't know. Something less… economically disastrous. I wish someone would warn Trump about this.

Captain Marvel's Advice: Don't Be a Starforce Grunt! Think Outside the Box!

So my advice to all you Earthlings? Buckle up. This trade war could get bumpy. And maybe just maybe start thinking about solutions that don’t involve alienating everyone. Because trust me dealing with intergalactic enemies is tough enough without having to worry about your planet’s wallet. Now if you excuse me I am off to go save the Galaxy again. Carol out!