Shiver Me Timbers! Uber's Back to the Grindstone: No More Work From Yer Hammock!

A Pirate's Life...For Some! (But Not For Long Apparently)

Blast and barnacles! This is Captain Jack Sparrow reporting and I must say the winds of change are blowin' fierce even in the landlocked world of… what was it again? Oh yes Uber. Seems their captain a fella named Khosrowshahi has decreed that me hearties even those snug as a bug with their 'remote work,' must now show their faces in the office three days a week. Three days! Why that's almost as long as I spent marooned on that forsaken island with nothin' but rum… oh wait.

Anchor Days and Davy Jones' Locker (of Lost Freedom)

Apparently these landlubbers had Tuesdays and Thursdays marked as 'anchor days' already – a cunning plan no doubt. But now it's Tuesday through Thursday or walk the plank! Even those previously blessed with working from wherever they pleased – a tropical beach a hammock swaying gently in the breeze – are now being summoned back to the… the *office*. Savvy? Not really if ye ask me. Seems a bit… tyrannical even for a pirate like myself.

The Sabbatical: Gone Like Rum at a Pirate Convention

Now here's where the real treachery lies. This Uber lot had a 'sabbatical' program where after five years of service one could take a month off to… well I assume it involved less rum than my sabbaticals. But now that's been pushed back to eight years! Eight years! By then you'll be too old to enjoy it I wager. It's like hidin' the treasure map further away hoping ye'll give up before findin' the gold.

Collaboration Creativity and…Velocity? Shiver Me Timbers!

Khosrowshahi claims this is all to 'fuel collaboration spark creativity and increase velocity.' Velocity? Are they tryin' to launch a rocket or run a company? I suspect there are other motivations but as I always say 'The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.' And me attitude? I smell a rat a greedy cost cuttin' rat!

Mutiny on the Internal Q&A Forum!

Word has it the crew ain't too happy. They're takin' to the company's internal Q&A forum like pirates to a treasure chest. Complaining questioning… demandin' answers! Khosrowshahi and his first mate a Nikki Krishnamurthy are holdin' an all hands meetin' to address the… unhappiness. I’d pay to see that as I am dishonest and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid.'

A Final Word From Captain Jack (Because Someone Had To Say It)

So there ye have it. Uber in its infinite wisdom is draggin' its crew back to the office takin' away their precious sabbaticals and all in the name of… well somethin'. As for me I'll stick to the open sea where the only meetings are with the horizon and the only dress code is… optional. Now where did I bury that rum… I mean treasure?