Elon Musk Ditching Trump's Swamp Drainers?! Allllrighty Then!

Holy Testicular Fortitude Batman! Musk Bails?

Alrighty then! Ace Ventura Pet Detective reporting live from... well my office (which smells vaguely of ferret and desperation). Looks like Elon 'The Muskrat' is pulling back from his gig as Trump's 'Swamp Drainer in Chief' at the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)! He says his time there is dropping 'significantly' starting in May. Could it be the stock market's been doin' the funky chicken on Tesla's shares? More on that later folks. You know sometimes I miss the days when all I had to worry about was finding Snowflake the dolphin. Now it's all swamp draining and... *shudders*... politics! I feel like I need a spiritual enema!

Tesla's Tumble: Not Just a Bad Hair Day

Let's face it folks Tesla's been lookin' like a constipated rhino lately. We're talkin' a 20% slump in automotive revenue and a whopping 71% plunge in net income! That's worse than finding out your tutu is too tight! Musk blames it on competition an aging fleet and those pesky protests. But here's the kicker: he claims these protests are 'very organized' and possibly funded by 'fraudulent money'! Sounds like somebody needs to call... ACE VENTURA! I'll get to the bottom of this even if it means infiltrating a vegan protest disguised as a giant block of tofu. Alllllrighty!

DOGE Days Are Over? More Like DOGE Gone Wild!

So this DOGE thingy – Musk's pet project to cut government waste. They claim they've saved a whopping $160 billion! But hold your horses partner! Those numbers are about as accurate as a blindfolded monkey throwing darts at a dartboard. And get this – they've been snipping away at agencies that are supposed to be watchin' Musk's own companies! The SEC the FAA the NHTSA... it's like lettin' a fox guard the henhouse only the fox is wearin' a 'Make America Great Again' hat! I'm detecting a whiff of conflict of interest here... and maybe a hint of toupee glue.

Special Government Employee? More Like Specially Conflicted Employee!

Turns out Musk was labeled a 'special government employee,' which apparently means he gets to play by a looser set of rules when it comes to ethics and disclosures. This is starting to smell fishier than a dolphin's armpit! The Trump administration hit its 130th day at the end of May. Job cuts from DOGE's work have come from across the government at agencies including the Internal Revenue Service National Park Service Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and the departments of Agriculture Education Energy Health and Human Services Homeland Security and Veterans Affairs according to the Associated Press.

Office Shenanigans and Stolen Data: A Regular 'Weekend at Bernie's'!

Oh the drama! Apparently DOGE staffers were straight up kicking people out of their offices rearranging furniture and blasting white noise to muffle their voices. Sounds like a regular party at the Department of Education! And get this – U.S. senators are worried that DOGE might've gotten their paws on federal student loan data for *millions* of borrowers! This is worse than finding out your parrot has been voting Republican! "Do NOT go in there!"

From Swamp Drainer to…What Exactly?

So what's next for Musk? Will he return to his lair and focus on rockets and electric cars? Or will he continue to meddle in politics like a caffeinated chimpanzee? Only time will tell my friends. But one thing's for sure: Ace Ventura will be watching... with a magnifying glass a rubber glove and a healthy dose of skepticism! You know I have to say sometimes I prefer dealing with animals. At least they're honest about eating their own droppings. Goodbye now! *[blows dart]* Allllrighty Then!