Alllllrighty Then! Trump Nukes Iran's Nuclear Hopes, and I'm On the Case!

Holy Testicle Tuesday! A Nuclear Meltdown of Diplomatic Relations!

Greetings globe trotters and animal lovers! Ace Ventura Pet Detective reporting live from... well my couch which smells suspiciously of ferret. But never mind that! The big news is HUGE! Apparently President Trump has decided to play Whack a Mole with Iran's nuclear program! BOOM! He claims to have unleashed the U.S. military on three 'key' nuclear sites: Fordo Natanz and Isfahan. Three strikes and you're... well radioactive I guess?

Like Peas in a Pod or Cats and Dogs? U.S. and Israel Team Up!

Trump boasted about how the U.S. and Israel are working together 'like perhaps no team has ever worked before.' That's what she said! Seriously though this 'dynamic duo' apparently wants to 'erase this horrible threat to Israel.' Sounds like they're trying to solve the world's problems with… well explosions! Which in my expert opinion is a bit extreme. But hey who am I to judge? I once wore a tutu to infiltrate a mental institution.

Magnificent Machines and American Patriots: A Flying Circus of Doom!

Our fearless leader wants to 'congratulate the great American patriots who flew those magnificent machines tonight.' Magnificent huh? Sounds like something out of a James Bond movie only with more… American flags. He's hoping we won't need their services in this capacity again which I'm guessing means he's hoping for world peace? Or at least a really good reality TV show about the whole thing.

Peace or Tragedy: Choose Wisely!

Trump's got a real way with words doesn't he? He says there will be 'either peace or there will be tragedy for Iran far greater than we have witnessed over the last eight days.' Sounds like a threat wrapped in a fortune cookie! And get this he says there are 'many targets left'! Like a kid in a candy store only the candy is… nuclear annihilation.

Bunker Busters and Stealth Bombers: Oh My!

Apparently these 'magnificent machines' are B 2 stealth bombers packing some serious heat in the form of GBU 57 Massive Ordnance Penetrators! Or as they're affectionately known 'bunker busters!' These bad boys are 'widely viewed as the only conventional non nuclear weapons capable of inflicting serious damage' on Fordo. So basically they're like a really really big hammer. For REALLY big problems.

Strait of Hormuz: World Oil's Achilles Heel!

If Iran gets their feathers ruffled they might just mine the Strait of Hormuz which is like the world's oil supply's jugular. One wrong move and *poof*! No more cheap gas for your Hummer! QatarEnergy and the Greek Shipping Ministry are already telling ships to steer clear. This is getting seriouser and seriouser folks! We need a hug. Or maybe just a really strong cup of coffee. And a dolphin. Definitely a dolphin.