Zuck's Take on Today's Market Madness: From Foot Lockers to Phishing Hackers

Walmart's Hiccup: Tariffs and Tears?

Okay folks even Walmart has those days where it just *slightly* misses the mark. Apparently some tariff troubles are making things a bit pricey for your average shopper. As I always say 'Move fast and break things'...but maybe not the economy eh? Revenue at $165.61 billion versus the expected $165.84 billion...that is like missing my daily step count by 0.0000001%. No biggie. I mean they still beat earnings per share estimates...but let's be real the real story is higher prices. Someone get me a drone to deliver a discount code stat!

Foot Locker Gets Dick'd: A Sporting Goods Saga

Dick's Sporting Goods buying Foot Locker for $2.4 billion? Talk about a power play. Foot Locker's stock practically moonwalked up 85%! Meanwhile Dick's took a 14% tumble. Classic case of 'buy the rumor sell the news'...or in this case 'buy the company tank the stock.' Seems like a bit of a risk. But you know what they say 'The biggest risk is not taking any risk.' Good luck with the merger. I'll stick to buying Oculus for now.

UnitedHealth Under Scrutiny: Medicare Mayhem!

Oof UnitedHealth is having a *really* bad day. A Justice Department investigation for potential Medicare fraud? That's gotta sting. Their stock hit a five year low plunging 15%. It's like they're trying to rewrite the Hippocratic Oath. Let's hope they can navigate this mess. Health is wealth and money is money...and Medicare is money so health is Medicare!

Fiserv's Fintech Fizzle: Clover's Slower Rollout

Fiserv had a bit of a 'meh' moment dropping 13% after announcing slower growth for their Clover business. I thought Fintech was supposed to be the future?! Apparently even digital payment platforms have off days. It's all about the algorithm isn't it? Someone needs to run some code and fix this. Maybe I should buy them and fix it with a hackathon?

Cisco's Comeback: Strong Earnings Scott's Farewell

Now for some good news! Cisco is crushing it! They beat earnings estimates *and* gave strong guidance. Plus their finance chief Scott Herren is retiring. Talk about going out with a bang! Sometimes it's good to be the king of networking. They're like the internet's plumbing and that's important stuff. Maybe Meta and Cisco should team up and create the Metaverse internet?! Oh boy!

Coinbase Conundrum: Bribes Hackers and Ransom!

Okay this one's wild. Hackers bribing Coinbase employees to steal customer data and demanding $20 million in ransom? That's some next level villainy. Seems like someone is a fan of the old social engineering trick and the old Benjamins. Reminds me of the early days of Facebook...only with more cybercrime. Time to beef up security! On a related note anyone want to buy $20 million worth of Meta stock?